I have no idea what it means to be in love...I am a 23 year old male with a full time job, and perform in a band 3 nights a week, while also cooking dinner, doing my laundry, dishes and up-keeping my other material possessions.  Point is, I think I am too busy to even have time to maintain my love for another human--in my case, a woman.   I am seeing a girl right now, yet its mainly sexual.  We have a great time together when we hang out, it is care-free and very uninhibited...we drink wine, smoke pot and paint paintings together...which in turn makes the sex amazing.  Would I fight another man for this woman?  No.  Would I go pick her up if her car broke down?  Yes.   So I do have feelings for her beyond lust, there is a caring for her well-being that I've grown to realize in our 2 months together.  My point is, I don't have that "she's the one feeling" and have thus maintained my distance (and we both communicated this and are mutually keeping our distance) from the real, strong investment feelings---calling her nightly, wishing her a good day, et cetera.  And since I have already set the expectations low, we have grown a very friendly relationship that is based on a healthy dose of cuddling, talking, art, music and sex--safe sex.  And as such, we havn't had a fight... no jealousy... no trust issues... we are both monogomous and really don't even have time for sex or even a relationship... so when we do get together its instantaneous attraction.  It's almost like we are both using one another, but not in an unhealthy and insecure way.  We are just both busy young adults, who are over having random sex, yet love intimacy, so we both communicated the terms of our "relationship" as friendly and plutonic, and thus... I have a very very healthy respect for this (by the way, gorgeous blonde) woman.  And most of all, she is not intellectually stimulating enough for me to ever spend my life with her... she is smart and witty, but not very philosophical... which I am to the maximum.  Nonetheless, it is a very friendly LOVE.

In comparison, I broke up with my ex-gf of a year about 2 months before I met this current lover.   This girl was pretty much perfect when it comes to personality... well, I should clarify.... her healthy and normal personality.  Her other "pole" was the opposite of what I look for in a woman: Get all dressed up, get all messed up, go out and dance, don't eat for days, be a sexy run-way model, and ultimatly, hit on other guys.  Now, when she was normal, we would get coffee together, I would read David Hume, she would read about fabrics and fashion, and we would talk about life, our dreams and aspirations, our goals, our path to happiness, our dreams of running away to the ocean and just living... we would comfort one another, we would try and heal the other person (especially after her binges)... in all, we were intellectually on the same level, she was a philosophical goddess and I have never been so turned on.  Again, gorgeous blonde girl.   In the first few months it was amazing, it was the summer, I was taking her to my secret spots on the river where I would make her dinner and we would lay in eachothers arms watching the sun set, literally about as romantic as you can get.  It was uninhibited... we would run around our hometowns topless, drinking and smoking, just high on life.  It was a true summer romance.  Then I got an internsip in seattle for 1.5 months... I went, we had been in love for 2 months.  It tested us.  She'd go out and get wasted, call me wasted, and I would begin getting jealous as I would hear other guys in her group... all that mess.  So... I figured the worst, ended up sleeping with this girl I was working with in Seattle a couple times in order to "get back" at her, and it just made me emotionally turned off.  I didn't care anymore... it was the worst 1.3 months of any relationship I've had.

I came back to her and we met at the airport, we embraced and I instantly knew it was different.  The problem was that for the first two months we went there... we fell in love.  We were bf and gf.  We were in a relationship.   And now, with those expectations so fricking high, all I could think about was sleeping with this other girl in Seattle, and imagining in my mind what my gf got into when I was gone.  It was aweful.  I loved this woman for sure, i still think about her to this day... personality-wise, I was in total love.. I'da done anything for the girl.  Anything.  She was just perfect.  And then things just fell apart from there.

We both attended fall school, I went to my first semester in law school at the U of MN while she attened a tech school for clothing design.  I was taking 20 credits at law school and she was taking like 8 at a tech shool studying fabric.   I was spending my entire day in the library, she was chilling.  Emotionally she started to cheat on me, talking to other guys on the phone, hanging out with her ex-bf who was "just a friend."  It was pathetic.  Meanwhile, I was busting my ass to dominate law school, which I did for that semester, then dropped out because of the politics of the entire thing... not nearly intellectually avante guarde for me.. it was old and traditionalist (another post).   She?!?! She was trying hard to support me and love me.  We would hang out every night after my classes, catch up on the day, eat food, have sex and sleep.  It was boring and unispiring.   AND all of this in comparison to the most amazing 2 months of my life, I literally thought I met my soul-mate.  NOw, I went out to Seattle, lost that connection, came back, instantly went back to school and we just grew apart.  SLOWLY.  We still loved one another, would call everyday, say we loved eachother, all the things you do in a relationship.  The problem was that we were trying to hold onto the love we had TRULY had in the first two months.  We just couldnt do it, I was too busy (like I am now). 

Come to find out, her ex-bf she was friends with?  Oh yeah, she dated him for 5 years and lied to me about how long they'd been broken up.  She said initially they'd been done for like 7 months, and in reality it was like 1 - 2 months!!!  I was baffled, dumbfounded and just pissed.  I am not stupid, I've had those old gf from high shool who I still would get together with and try and ignite that flame.  I am not stupid, I told her.. "Do you really think I think you're over the dude?!?! Are you fucking stupid?!"   And again, she was the type to get all dolled up, go out, get wasted, and be a sexy modern girl.  Im not like that, i am a smaller guy, artistic and kinda nerdy... but good looking.  No problem with picking up girls.... but I definatly had a problem with defending my girl against other guys... I'm just not like that.  As such, I have learned that in order to truly love a woman again, she cannot be the type to demand my protection when we go out, she'll have to be individual and free and choose me, not have me have to prove that I choose her... f that shit, its childish... I already chose you!  Why do I have to constantly prove it?  Anyways, this girl was intellectually and spiritually amazing when she was normal and healthy.  She would have a switch turn and just be this crazy crazy crazy freak of a woman.  (she had some issues with rape and substance abuse when in high school... I understood these consequences and tried desperatly to try and show her how to deal with it and become healthier)  She understood this health, but just refused to accept it. 

My point is, my love for this girl was the text-book "love."  I would get jealous, I would call her all the time, hang out everyday, go to christmaas together, talk about having babies, talk about our dreams and goals and aspirations. 

Yet, and my thesis, is that there are varying degrees of love.  This love I gave to this girl was desperate and blind.  How can you possibly see the horizon with your eyes closed?  She was dating me to get back at her ex-bf ultimatly, and I was left to pick up the pieces after finding this out after the initial two-months of our amazingly spiritual and sensual love-development.  She was a lie, and I was lying to myself telling myself otherwise.  She was crazy and bi-polar, and I could only handle one pole.  Yet I still to this day compare every girl I meet to her... Just because when she was healthy and normal, she was the most incredible woman I've ever met.  She was philosophical and a dreamer, smart and witty, sexy and feminine, and would have been a good mom (oh, and found out recently she's pregnant with ex-bf of 5 years).  She text me to tell me that... wft, right?   But looking back, when I would hug her, I could feel that it wasn't going to work out... or maybe I felt that other half of her that was still confused and unsure about giving into my healthy life-style demands.  She still wanted to be truly free and go out and get wasted.  I understand that considering she was 2 months removed from a 5 year relationship!!!  At least tell me that shit when you meet me, right? 

So now, I have had 2 women in my life in the past 1 1/2 years.  My GF of a year who I "loved" dearly, and now this girl I've been seeing for a couple months who I really like as a human being.  Maybe after the initial 2 month puppy love wears off, I will begin having some real feelings for her, but again, we havn't set the bar that high.  As such, we are not struggling to keep that bar propped up, it just naturally rises as we grow to know one another.  It has been a slower process, and I feel that this is more what actual love must feel like.  To me, it seems more rational to love someone as a long and arduous journey together... not this amazing "love at first sight" thing.  Love at first sight, and this whole, "I knew she was the one" may be true for some, but for me, i have learned that it is juste setting the bar too high.  And so far, I feel far more liberated with this current gf than with my ex-gf of a year.

However my ex-gf of a year was a way better gf in the first 2 months than this girl, so who knows?  Forget love, I'd rather just drink wine, smoke pot and paint while listening to radiohead... followed by really really bomb sex.   Rant done.

Hey Tom,
just a comment from a female perspective. I'm a couple of years older than you so maybe it's a different vibe, but still, I feel like you're experiencing all this volatility coming from your ex-gf when it's something you're contributing to a lot as well. I think your typo in the middle of your post, "plutonic" instead of "platonic" says a lot. In your post you describe things like cheating on her "in advance" to get back at her, and creating situations where the worst you could imagine happens sort of by default. I think it takes a lot of living to really be able to see others for who they are, and ourselves for who we are, especially in love. But for the sake of future happiness, might be worth trying to sort it out at least a little, asking whether this "polar" behavior you see in your women isn't something you also do yourself (loving/being jealous/turning off emotionally/obsessing/destroying) just in a way that isn't as obvious to you when it comes from yourself. [for instance, your description of how you experienced law school is pretty hot and cold -- it's like getting drunk and throwing everything away, just on a large scale!]
Lovers, especially the intuitive artistic women you are likely to attract, often play a kind of mirroring role without necessarily being conscious of it. It's something you could work through in your art, being an artist yourself. Write a song in which she describes how she sees you... that kind of thing.
Just my two cents,
Emily