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Ximena Ramos

Anxiety: Destroying Myself One Day at a Time.

Latest Post: April 4, 2011 at 5:20 AM

16 followers

After searching for the symptoms, I discovered that I have anxiety. I must say that it's terrible and taking its toll on me. Meanwhile I'm taking my toll on the people around me. It's a bad cycle and I don't know how to break it. I have causes and excuses, but in the end, all it comes down to is me.

On MLK Day, the day before the first day of school and the start of my last semester, I walked out of my dorm room when it hit me: Well shit, it's my last semester. I can see the finish line.

The realization hit my mind like a steel ball and has been crumbling ever since that day. That Monday was supposed to be fun (my boyfriend and I were going to go bowling), but instead, I didn't eat and spent the entire day, afternoon and early evening curled up in a fetal position on my bed, crying and trying to fight off nausea while my boyfriend held me.

Since that day, I've had over half a dozen intense uncontrollable crying spells, endless mood-swings, constant irritability, lack of patience, depersonalization, derealization, suicidal thoughts, and the propensity to be a relentless asshole...I don't know what to blame or what to do to help myself. I've been reduced to blubbering and whining, which obviously does nothing.

Other than the whole "I'm graduating. FUCK!" thing, another thing I discovered that Monday (and on the ensuing week) is that I am terribly exhausted from school. I applied to 7 grad schools during December and honestly wanted to go, but now, the possibility makes me sick. I've expressed this to my parents and friends, and they support my decision not to go, but that doesn't relieve the anxiety. (ASIDE: The programs I applied to give full scholarships or aid but don't cover housing and I have no money to pay that.) Now that I've decided not to go to grad school, I have to figure out what I'm going to do after graduation. The job market here is terrible and I am hoping to be ascended to a full time staffer at my current job, but I don't get my hopes up. If that doesn't work, I have to move back home and start to find a job (most likely at a retail store) and figure out what to do with the rest of my life. It also doesn't help that 4 out of the 7 grad schools I applied to haven't notified me of their decision yet. The first three were all rejections. I honestly don't care if the next four are rejections as well, I just want to know their decision so I can get on with my life.

All this is driving me insane and I'm having trouble keeping up with my current school work. One of the breakdowns/crying spells I had was on a Monday, and it ended up short-circuiting my brain for the rest of the weeks after. Despite going to lectures everyday and taking notes, I honestly don't remember a thing the professor said or any of the material that was covered. One day I went to class and the teacher had a small review and I remember thinking, "Where the hell was I when this was taught?" I didn't remember a thing and still don't. What this has caused is test anxiety to go with what I'm already feeling because I'm going to have to bust my ass catching up and reviewing all the material for the test.

But worse than what's happening to me, is what I'm doing to everyone around me. My friends and my boyfriend are having all the patience in the world with me, but I know they can only stand so much. My boyfriend especially. I'm bitchy, irritable, moody, push him away, have snapped at him for no reason, lose my patience when he can't see me due to work or school and there are some days I would rather not see him. If he says "I'm sorry" or "I'm here for you." it only pisses me off more. The words feel empty. Right now I've turned off the text notifications on my phone because I don't want to talk to anybody. (Some days it's a mix. I want to be with my boyfriend but want to be alone. How does that work?)

The anxiety has also caused me to get stressed or frustrated really easily. I now have two extremes to my little episodes that I get. I either get a crying spell, or a become pissed off and want to take my fist to someone's throat. If someone does or says anything that I don't like or disagree with, I feel like I want to blow up. This happens a lot with my boyfriend. Little mistakes he does rile me up, even if they're just simple misunderstandings that can be talked through. When we do talk, he tries to make me feel better but by that time, I'm a thousand miles away in my own head and unreachable. I start to doubt everything, from my relationship with my boyfriend to who I am. Sometimes I wonder if I really love him, or if these attacks are done on purpose by me to manipulate him. (I doubt it because I get the when he's not around, though those are the angry-type breakdowns. When I'm with him is when I cry.) I just get so frustrated I can't think straight.

The physical sensations are also strange. I get a tingling sensation, almost like an imaginary pressure on the top of my head that I try to shake away and a coiling sensation in my limbs. I frequently rock myself in bed to self-soothe, which helps sometimes, but not always. I also feel like getting physically violent. I want to hit something or somebody to release the energy and the stress I feel. I never actually do anything though. When my episodes are at their worst, I feel like getting seriously hurt is the only way to reset my mind. It's what I'm looking for, a way to reset everything or cleanse my mind. I feel like running away to a place where no one knows who I am so I can find some peace within myself. Of course, all this is is running away from my problems, and I have never been a runner.

Basically, I'm alone inside. No one will understand what I'm going through no matter how much I tell them. I equate it to being stuck in a glass box inside of my head. I can see everything that's going on outside but can't change anything. Sometimes I can see myself too, but I can't reach myself. No one outside can hear my screams, and no matter how much I beat on it or try to break the box, it won't budge and right now, I don't know how I can get out. (Doesn't help that I have writer's block.)

This is just a useless rant. (And I just revealed way too much). The only one who can help me is me. I've been told to go talk to a professional but I despise the thought. I won't have anyone try to talk me through what I'm thinking, reason with me or try to give me medication. If there is a bright spot to is, it's that the last time I was in depression four years ago, I got myself out. No meds, no drugs, no alcohol. I want to have that strength again, but right now, I can't seem to get out. I want peace, so that I'll stop hurting myself in this way, but it seems that the box is starting to get comfortable. I may start to love it.

Postscript (July 20, 2011 at 7:42 PM):

My my, three months changes a lot. I usually never get this personal online, and upon reading this, am rather embarrassed that I revealed so much.

Everything is a lot better now and my anxiety has pretty much gone away. Circumstances have greatly improved and bear no resemblance to what they were when I posted this. Thank you to those who responded.

Hanna Clapson sent kudos.

Julie Sabatier sent kudos.

Reply to:

Julie Sabatier

March 29, 2011 at 12:17 PM

27 followers

Dear Ximena,

I hope you feel better very soon!

From what I read, it was difficult to understand if you were terrified by the dead-end that would come after graduating or are you panicked by the ocean of possibilities that would open to you when you're free from school? There are very many possibilities out there, and even if one needs to work for a time for money, it does not exclude the building of other long term projects- especially for someone who writes as well as you do.

I have as well a way to react to the world which is a bit destructive. For example, I really need to be well rested before exams- which means I study well ahead of time, but even when I know the material and I know that it would be better for me to sleep 6 hours instead of 3, that those 3 extra hours of revision are more harmful than helpful-I still do this mistake out of panic. Or I often say the wrong thing at the wrong time- which I also see as self-destructive, because I am aware of it while doing it.

The bottom line is that I think this is- to a certain degree- part of human nature, and a danger that needs to be checked and controlled constantly, even before it gets into more serious symptoms such as you describe.

Wishing you all the best,

Julie

Reply to: or

Hanna Clapson, I am an English major. I write and think. I...

March 29, 2011 at 1:29 PM

22 followers

there's this constant need for human release. it's like we don't even know we're doing it but we start to accumulate everything. We're computers in that way, even if we think things are well and gone, they're not, they leave invisible bits of data somewhere in our circuitry. it takes constant defragging else we get jumbled and jammed and fucked over and we ain't even sure why.

you have the right idea. just get it out there. even if you're not sure what it is that's going out there. because luckily it so happens that the rest of the world is filled with other carriers of data, some with room to take on more.

also. others of us are graduating too. if it helps, you're not in it alone. I'm super scared about the prospect of a life that from my point of view seems so long with infinite direction. how do i find the right one? well, only thing I can figure is that our lives are built from the bottom up. That each decision we make has to be born naturally and seamlessly out of the one before. it's hard when you're in a funk of depression, because every thing you do seems like the wrong thing to do.

but practically speaking, only suggestions I have are to keep purging. through writing sure, what works for me is exercise too. It's great because you watch yourself improve at the same time you watch yourself become dedicated to something. though for sure it helps finding the right exercise for you. I tried the whole gym rat thing because that's what the people around me did, but it never stuck until eventually I found the sports and activity that I actually enjoy.

best,

you're not at it alone

Reply to: or

Tom Gremain, Lover of the sublime and subtle beauty of this...

In response to Hanna Clapson

March 29, 2011 at 2:48 PM

4 followers

Hi, I am 23 and a male and was in a similar situation as you in college. I don't want to give you a bunch of advise, that is just confusing. But what worked for me, and what I think is similar to your situation:

1. Break up with your lover. I had the same, "do i actually love you" feelings. They are unhealthy and a sign that its not working. I broke up with my girlfriend, became balanced again, and have total strength in myself. Sometimes its easy to spread thin... love urself first.

2. DIET!!!! Watch what you are eating. You may have too much sugar in your diet, you may be allergic to something. Now, don't go over-thinking this... no hypochondrea allowed! But just watch what you eat... eat veggies and fish and rice.

3. See the universe. Look up. Realize that all those trivial things you worry about are man-made, and you are in and of yourself star-dust. You are nothing but a creature of this universe. Find your peace with that first, then slowly start to expand your obligations. Realize that in all of this life, nothing really matters compared to the fact that you are a living creature first and foremost. Don't get lost in all of the expectations.

4. Find an outlet. Join a group of something. I know, it sounds daunting at first, but once you do it.. it becomes easier. I jog. I love it. When I get those feelings of anxiety.. I have the choice to just go fucking run.

Trust me, i had/have very band anxiety. I am an over thinker and to a fault. What has worked for me is realizing those things that made me weak. That was drugs, alcohol, an unhealthy relationship, and investing in things that didn't matter--money, material et cetera. All of those things took me away from myself.. they put my focus on external things. What I enjoy is sleeping 8 hours, drinking water, eating good healthy food, listening to music, writing music (my god, find an outlet!!!) and my family. Take a deep breath because I am here to tell you it will get better. But u must be patient and find out what is causing it... because you are causing anxiety. And find thsoe triggers and destroy them! And then find out what makes you feel powerful. For me, again, its sleeping well, not going out and getting fucked up, and just being kind of a loser to be honest! But it works for me, it keeps me balanced and strong.

I was a senior taking 20 credits and working part time paying for housing and food. I know where you are at! See the finish line, realize that life is long, and you will find ways to relax. We are like the universe to be honest. When we are young we are violent and active and untamed. As we grow with time, we find what works, we find our orbit, we find ourselves. You will be fine, but it starts w u.