I remember once reading a theory that addiction to certain foods actually masks an underlying allergy, often quite a serious one. It's an interesting and actually fairly well-substantiated theory, which I won't discuss here. But the point is addiction, in all its gradations and forms, as well as a simple craving for the familiar, is, for many people, easy to mistake for true desire.
Let's continue with the analogy of food. For many people, the cycle of hunger is a completely mysterious process. The foods they reach for, the foods they crave, the way they stock their refrigerators, what they consider a portion size or a meal, what tastes they like together -- an overwhelming number of these decisions have little to do with the person themselves, and everything to do with growing up in a certain culture, with fond memories of family dinners, and with a whole emotional complex of issues around eating, wanting, liking or disliking their bodies, wanting to perform well athletically or to look good, being made to clear their plate as a child, conflating food and nourishment, not distinguising hunger from thirst,... We know these things intellectually, of course (and we certainly can see this at work in other people); even in this comparatively simple case, the mechanisms which we perceive as having to do with desire often have nothing to do with desire at all, and even less to do with what we actually, in any deep way, need.
In relationships, the issues are even more complex. Your question is a difficult one, but I would distinguish two main steps in beginning to address it. First, there is the issue of awareness: recognizing patterns, understanding where they come from and why they take this form, and understanding what it would mean for the reality to be different.
Second, and in some ways much more challenging, is the issue of preparing oneself to make a change. This involves, as a preliminary step, convincing oneself, in a deep way, that alternatives exist. Maybe all the people you know in nice relationships are boring. This means you haven't really gotten to the bottom of the first issue.
Maybe this is a good time to become the person you want to be, so that you can be open to a relationship with someone who is their own person, rather than someone who completes you so that you don't have to. A more subtle point is to make peace with your relationship with the world. Stand on your own two feet, and get to the point where you are happy with your choices. Don't bring the dramas and politics of your unfinished business with the world -- the battles, the anger, the negative reinforcement, the need for extreme experiences -- into the closed world of the relationship. There is no end to the dramas created by intelligent people who are bored or unhappy with their lives, or who want, on whatever level, to distract themselves with an emotional riot rather than facing the difficult business of living. But the world has no lack of interesting challenges.
(This is not at all against intensity. But to really experience intensity, it helps to be a whole person.)
How to really have a relationship which is completely different? One has to know oneself, to work at it, to find a great partner. And to convince oneself that change is possible. Find a motivating way to narrativize this revelation. "For the first 15 years of my adult life, I thought that relationships with wo/men had to be like X. And then one day I understood it could be completely different, and I haven't looked back." There's a reason conversion stories are so powerful. Just don't be too zealous in your conversion -- the moment desire ceases to be a true response of you to your partner and reverts to an ideal, you're not so far from where you began.
Your answer makes me think - thanks for sharing. I was actually browsing: "attracted to intensity" when I came across this forum. and the quote, "to really experience intensity, it helps to be a whole person" resonates so much that I have kept it in my fave quotes list. I would call myself intelligent, naive, not very worldly-wise, drawn to intensity, creativity, magnetism - and i keep making the incorrect ( i wouldn't say incorrect, they have all been learning experiences) choices in relationships with men. My first relationship was a pretty abusive one, full of big drama - and it seems drama is one pattern that's playing out in the subsequent relationships (two after this first one) as well, though there's been no abuse in these latest ones. I am trying to stand on my feet, making peace with my choices - or if not, proactively exploring other options - so maybe that's helping me see a pattern. whatever may be the case, i find myself drawn to the combination of intensity and intelligence every time - rather than a steady stream of kindness or gentleness. m still exploring why - and your response helps. so thanks once again.
priy maj sent kudos and tagged this post as Essential.
