THINQon : Do I tell daughter and in-laws about physical abuse after 25+ years?

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Cleo Garfield (alias)

Do I tell daughter and in-laws about physical abuse after 25+ years?

Latest Post: March 1, 2012 at 2:10 PM

3 followers

I am grappling with a situation that has been with me for 20+ years. It's not horrendous, but one in which I would like to resolve.

I was divorced after 7 years of marriage,when my daughter was 3 years old. Her father, is a prominent Dr. on the west coast. Throughout the marriage he was abusive to me, at first verbally and then physically. This was never in front of my daughter. After the 2nd incident of physical abuse, I got my ducks in a row and filed for divorce.

His family of course believed it was my fault and that I was probably “running around on him” (which could not be further from the truth) They are good people, adore my daughter and are still a big part of her life.

Question: My daughter is now 28. She is in a field of work that works with abused women (kharma takes over sometimes). I have never talked about the abuse to anyone except a few close friends. Should I tell his family and/or my daughter? She is mature enough to handle this, but I have never wanted to make her father look bad----I wish it had worked both ways.

My mother-in-law is 88 years old. I never told them 20+ years ago because I knew they would not believe such a respectable, well-educated man could possibly do this! I know my daughter was angry with me when she was younger but not so now----she has since gotten to experience the frailties of relationships. Would knowing this only harm her? Or is being 100% truthful the best approach?

Reply to:

Solveig Wright, Where to begin?

February 26, 2011 at 4:12 AM

33 followers

First of all, I just wanted to express some appreciation for the person you must be.

As for your question, I would vote for telling her. If she were younger or likely not to believe anything bad about her father, it might be more complicated. But at 28 she's an adult. And she's probably making serious decisions about relationships herself, ones which her idealized vision of her father, however "innocent," may be deeply interfering with. She's making decisions about her own femininity, which the in-laws' subtle condemnation of your (and therefore her) sexuality must be coloring. Not to mention that it seems right to tell the truth about such actions.

What really drives it home for me is her choice of profession. I can't see how she would fail to see the truth of her own intuition in playing this out. Children understand much more than we know, I think.
You could even begin by asking her "do you think your profession makes it easier for you to recognize when abuse has occurred?"

It also seems to me that your primary responsibility is to your daughter (and to the truth). The inlaws are secondary; it's hard to say how they will react. Don't expect to get too much satisfaction from them. They may retreat into their own world and refuse to listen, or they may be welcoming. It's outside your control and, I think, shouldn't be something to care too much about. But your daughter is part of you and this is an important truth.

hardik mehta sent kudos.

Reply to: or

Tom Kimmel, Who am I to say that I am not the center of the...

In response to Solveig Wright

June 20, 2011 at 12:43 AM

15 followers

Cleo,
Most recently I read a Paul Auster novel, 'The invisible Man'. It suggests a technique that you might find useful. Frame and write what you would want your daughter to know in the third person. Give yourself that distance. At that distance you may better know what to do. The third person allows for several outcomes that are excluded by a first person account and exclamation. If for example, your daughter denies that such abuse could have occurred, she certainly would have had had you told her directly. That would most painful for both of you. Perhaps she will say, Mother, I have always known there was deep trouble, why do you think I do what I do? Possibly she will neither accept or deny the abuse. Maybe she will let it marianate in her mind until she knows better knows what to do with it.
You will have put the truth on the table, the truth as you know it, without any demand for accounting.
Another possible out come is that in writing in the third person you may decide that there is no good purpose in making it public during your or you or daughter's lifetime.
Also it will allow you to examine your purposes. Grace is as often served by silence as by confrontation. But not always. If it is your sense that it is necessary to call this damn spade a shovel, do it.
One of the dearest people I know put her own father in jail for diddling her son. Amen. Was there another way? I certainly hope so, but I certainly don't know so.
Writing in the third person is role playing. People come to blows playing roles. I have seen it. Also I have witnessed folk fall in lust and marry.
\
In a way we are playing roles all the time. Writing in the third person just makes that more plain to us. No matter what you do, I recommend it to you as a useful exercise.

Cheers then, Tom

Graham A Nelson tagged this post as Good one!.

Reply to: or

william allred

February 26, 2011 at 6:35 AM

10 followers

Whatever you decide to do, leave yourself an out, a trapdoor to escape through. If the conversation begins to incite too much negative reaction,( too much is your call), have a scripted, calculated path away from the fire. Proceed with extreme caution; all available wits about you and in the safest, most relaxed atmosphere you can construct. Purposeful exclusion, premeditated, of any possible entry into a situation which could breed animosity between you and family members, (who are ignorant of the truth you're going to hit them with) is in everyone's best interest. Don't do it to get even with or punish the perpetrator. You don't want to run the risk of coming off as the bad guy. In the end you're fall back position is-as you address-honest, unvarnished truth is best for all. Sometimes it's only possible after so many years have passed. Both of my parents were abused and carry scars so deep they were never able to fully function as whole human beings. My mother did rise above it by turning to her spiritual strength and helping others. My father is a mean, angry, bitter, lonely man-he never had a chance to confront the truth with someone who believed or understood. He and I(his eldest son) didn't speak about it at all until I was over 50, now he's 83.