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The Living Room Psychology and character Drop it all or maybe I mean the opposite
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Drop it all or maybe I mean the opposite
I did something reckless the other day. I didn't realize it was reckless until my dad told me so. I was in a town I didn't know with a group of friends and early in the morning I went for a walk by myself. I had no phone, no money, no food, no water, no intention and no fears. I walked to the very end of the town and picked an arbitrary green leafed mountain and walked towards it. Not only that but I walked up it. I found a creek and a beaver dam, trees to climb and views to absorb and never once did I encounter a fellow trail-goer. In fact it took me awhile to even find a trail to follow myself.

In the end it was a 6 or 7 hour hike and afterwards my chest felt light like a sparrow's. The world was so good and quiet and I wasn't anything except a participant.

But according to my dad how unthoughtful I'd been, to not even leave a note nor worry about being a stranger in a strange land and what I have been assaulted or else gotten lost and wasn't there some truth to the Blair Witch Project? This all came in an email I haven't responded to yet. How he would be remiss as a father not to extol to me the dangers of a whim. And I wonder if I would be remiss not to remind him of the peculiarities of youth, how I am still invincible, how I ache to accumulate risk and make stronger the stir of energy by the day. There is this life I've been given and there are all these dangers that go with it and were I not to take those dangers as they come then maybe I'm not living at all, or maybe the easy and free and safe way is something that makes me want to throw up, and even throwing up is something I'm not afraid of. I want my youth to be filled with altitude sickness, I want my youth to be filled with broken bones and broken hearts and broken days that are somehow on the brink of being completely complete.

I have a friend who just picked it all up and moved to Portland Oregon. His only short term plan was to get a job working on the census and maybe go for a hike or two and feel something inside himself that he won't be able to later. And how scary I thought, for him to leave everything he knows and start somewhere new without anyone and without anything (especially money) and then I thought how wonderful it must be to be scared, if only for the overcoming, and is youth something to be overcome?

How much longer will my body be able to take the toll of sleepless nights and decisions made because they are the worse ones? I am afraid of this so I will do it, this is dangerous but if I am to beat it then what is really danger?

To be young and naive and reckless and at once afraid and infinitely courageous is this blessing of still beautiful skin and still great sex and I have yet to lose friends and I have yet to lose anything at all or have anything I'm so afraid to lose. And maybe I'll drink wine tonight and wait until the sun comes up because I've never seen tomorrow's sun and I've never been drunk with it.
It's cool that you found a creek on your hike.  I love creeks.  I assume it was running.
I'm only good at being young. And last night I didn't go to sleep until I was positive the day would come. And last night I danced in a huddle of my brethren and sometimes a circle would break open and there would only be cheers as we shared the center and I didn't even knew I could move like that but it was all probably thanks to the shoes and when the show ended and we as a mass cascaded into the street the air felt new and open and cool and we shook our long hair in front of us and maybe it made the sweat dry faster or maybe it at least looked rad like some homage to the gone and mythic years of hair metal.

No one had a bottle opener so I used a lighter all night. My hand was frozen by the bottom of the melted ice cooler.  And the beers were in dark green glassed bottles and there was a surplus and that's how people should host their parties, with surpluses. Cigarettes create moods and good vibes in hazy smoke and there's no reason I shouldn't have another beer because the last one was so refreshing and I don't think the law of diminishing returns begins until you're 30, and I've yet to find life diminishing and actually the opposite and there are pretty girls and their necks to kiss because it's night time and the bass is kickin and the patio looks out onto the city and I can't even remember what happened during the day because this party has been raging for eight hours and tomorrow is only filled with promises of more parties or at least some new place to run to and some new patio to see the city from. Maybe a little bit higher up or at least with a different baseline.

I am only good at being young and not sleeping. I'm only good at whispering pretty things to pretty girls and not worrying about worrying and insomnia is what we all seek out because there are real dreams to step into and even the nightmares are fun because even ghosts like to dance. They dance the best without feet touching the floor, it's all in the hips and when we're young we try to live in the hips and let them gyrate where they will. And sometimes we wrestle in the street and older people look at us and the ones who remember smile and the ones who don't raise eyebrows and when we wake up with bruises and cuts we lick them and press them and I'm fairly positive I'm alive because it hurts just a little bit and it feels good to hurt and taste blood.

And of course we don't want to grow old so we sip wine for breakfast and pretend when we're older it will all be like living in an archaic Italian vineyard and maybe if we get wrinkly the world we live in won't or at least our lovers won't because while we're mortal they aren't, especially when she's the reason I wake up at all. And what good is the sun without her skin to reflect it back in my eye and I can make her blush without saying a word. And right now I'm only about making the world blush because I am invincible and it all belongs to me. 
I got a trespassing ticket in Brooklyn once. I climbed under a fence. And over another one. It was the middle of the night and we may or may not have been doing something more illegal right at the water's edge looking over at the Manhattan skyline. It felt like it was our skyline because of the fence hopping and the deserted streets behind us right near some busted old factories with windows knocked out and graffiti tagged sometimes with obscenities and sometimes with color more resembling art. And there was a pier out onto the water and I'm not sure when the last time it was used but the wood was corroding and in many places non-existent. But we tied our shoes somewhat tighter and made our way out there and then Manhattan seemed like it belonged to us even more because we were walking on water up to its base.

And then the sirens sounded and to the fuzz we must have seemed like blue and red flashing silhouettes. Probably we should have just jumped and swam however many meters further towards our borough but when you're busted you're busted and already any evidence of the further illegality was disposed of so it was only kids being kids and sometimes cops can be cool.

This was not one of those times. And it was cold out. And they took our IDs and then took their time with them inside their police van. One of the blue and whites was walking out near where we'd been. He came back with 2 decaying beer cans. Not ours. "Now 2 of you can take underage drinking tickets, or all of you can get trespassing tickets." What a thing to say! And I wonder if they thought we were overly disrespectful when we laughed at them and took the trespassing ultimatum. Back to their van and they had us stand in front with their headlights on. And then we had an impromptu dance party as they called us in to whoever was on the other end of their radios. Why worry about something so trivial as being young and a little bit daring and a little bit uncaring to the consequences?

We laughed and joked and were disrespectful and playful at the cops as they took their pigtime rolling in the mud of bureaucracy. I don't think they caught our wit but still we convinced them to let us pile into their van and get a free ride back to civilization in Brooklyn.

Let me wear your hat!
TURN THE SIRENS ON!
Blow through this red light!

Have you ever shot anyone?

They dropped us right at the bar we'd come from. Had they already forgotten we were underage?

The tickets were for 75 dollars. We all got letters in the mail 4 months later that the charges had been dropped.

My parents were peeved. I got a lecture about knowing my place and what's right and wrong. And didn't they think it was at all funny? That just at that moment women were being assaulted on the street, stores robbed, people mugged, spouses beating spouses, and then in a little nook in Brooklyn there were some kids doing kid stuff and laughing about it as they faced the consequences.

Jeez Mom and Dad, how old are you? Will there be one day when I am that old? Will it happen when I have kids or will I just wake up one day and be afraid to break some rules for my immediate satisfaction?

I'm young and I'm not hurting anyone.
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Latest Post: April 22, 2010 at 6:46 PM
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