THINQon : Ex Girlfriend and Roommate

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Tom Gremain, Lover of the sublime and subtle beauty of this...

Ex Girlfriend and Roommate

Latest Post: December 28, 2011 at 11:48 AM

4 followers

This topic may be way out there for people... but I am so at a loss of words right now, I could use some wise advice:

I dated this girl for like 4 months and we had a pretty cool relationship. It was not very deep, in fact I hooked up with her because she was friends with my ex-girlfriend before her (1 year) and I just wanted to get back at my ex-gf kind of.. I know thats shallow but she contacted me and the wheels were set in motion... I thought getting back at my ex gf was a consolation prize...

Fast forward to last night. I live with 5 other guys and they are all good looking fellas for the most part. My roommate had met this girl I was dating for 4 months a couple of times and whatever... it was friendly and what-not.

Im sitting there and he looks at me and is like, "hey man... I gotta say something so Im just gunna say it. I've been talking to that girl you were dating a while back and we are trying to go out on some dates and whatever." This is about 2 months after we officially broke up, and I am literally just kind of getting over the situation. I ended up kinda falling for her and it was pretty tough to hear that.

So... I am reeally bad at controlling my jealousy gene, and it is like a defect. I tried desperately to control it and be like, "whatever man... I already had that... go for it you lame ass roommate." You know... act like I didn't care, say that I already got it and he can have "sloppy seconds", and that I don't care if he dated her and had her over. But literally the opposite thing happend:

I stood up, and I pretty much lost it. I told him to "f-off and that he was a stupid little loser who had to go around my back hooking up with my exes cuz he's a stupid loser who can't get chicks on his own" sort of routine. I lost it... I told him i'd beat his ass if I saw her in my hosue, and if I had any incling they were doing something behind my back, I would beat his ass too...

I literally don't know what to do right now. I've been thinking about this all day and it has RUINED my day / week. I was literally just getting ove rthis girl and now hes telling me he's gunna be having her over... TO MY HOUSE... and have sex with her within earshot of my room?!?!?!?!

I just don't knwo what to do. I told him I'd whoop his ass and he responded like:

"NO MAN! I just won't even talk to her... Im sorry for even bringing it up."

But it's no use really... like I feel like the damage is already done... they are gunna hook up inevitably.... AND I think this is major Karma since I hooked up with her to kinda get back at my ex-gf. I just dont know how to react or handle the situation... I mean, how could a roommate think it cool to even attempt something like this?!??!?!!?? It makes no sense... and it hurts really really bad.

Any advice from anyone? Thanks.

This post is referenced by the following other contributors:

Solveig Wright

in "How do you move on after getting irritating or upsetting news?"

(The Living Room)

Reply to:

John Dawson, Philosophy graduate student.

December 22, 2011 at 6:02 PM

6 followers

Hi Tom,
First, we are talking about people here so don't say words like sloppy seconds and things like that as it is offensive, and meaningless anyway.

As we're dealing about people you should also remember her part in this. She may like the guy, but she may be doing this just to spite you. Remember it wasn't just you who had the relationship with her, it was also her that decided to have a relationship with an ex of her friend, and in fact it was her who contacted you. There seems to be a pattern here. She might not care about these things and feels it ok to be doing it, or dating ex's of friends and friends of exs might be the only thing she does care about in the relationship. In any case, you should feel lucky not to be in a relationship with her anymore as clearly she would act the same way while in a relationship - trying to get back at you for things she doesn't like, etc. That is, in this case, you lucked out not to be with her anymore even if she initiated the breakup.

Second, you can definitely ask your friend, if he is your friend, to respect your feelings. If it's just a hookup there are other women out there. If it is more than that and he has real feelings for her, he will date her anyway, as he should do, but you can still ask him not to bring her to your place.

You can also explain to him the situation and that she's probably just using him to get back at you, as she used you in her relationship with her "friend" - your ex. Say this delicately so it doesn't sound like you mean she couldn't be interested in him as otherwise he can get upset and will especially try to be annoying.

Third, if it does happen and he brings her over - deal with it! I know people where such things happened to them. It's not easy but it happens and you'll have to suck it up as you would receiving other kinds of punches to your stomach. Keep quite about it and take it.

I think you are lucky to be rid of her, but this may also teach you the kind of people you do want to be around and the kind of women you should be dating.
If your friend does bring her over, I would look for a new roommate. You can't complain though if he chooses to go out with her as people are like that and it's hard not to follow one's emotions.

Tom, you might want to read How do I control my anger?
As well as, in general: Thinking clearly when upset

Reply to: or

Tom Gremain, Lover of the sublime and subtle beauty of this...

December 22, 2011 at 7:37 PM

4 followers

Hi John:

Thanks for the reply... it is really valuable.

I am just a jealous mess and have a really really hard time dealing with tthe fact that a woman I was intimate with is more interested in the comfort of another man. I don't know if that's her actual belief, or if she is trying to make me jealous, but just it kills me to know that. And it just grosses me out cuz shes like 22 and he's 30 (Im 24) and it just grosses me out to think of them intimate... not cool.

I am working really hard on controlling that anger and understanding it and TRULY letting go with what I can't control. I am trying desperately and this is certainly a test of that character. And I wish I would have reacted better last night.

But moving forward, I think the only thing I can do is be happy with myself and just let those two be whatever they want to be. Yet again... if I saw them on the couch when I got home cuddling or something... I just dont' know how I'd react. But I know that if I react by spazzing, that is the easy way out and will just solve nothing because I'll still be left with that jealousy. If I let it go and TRULY just be satisfied with the relationship we had, enjoy it for the good times, and just move on... I know that's how a conscious human would respond. And let them be... I will try that.. truly.

Reply to: or

Solveig Wright, Where to begin?

December 22, 2011 at 8:07 PM

33 followers

I want to echo some points John made. There seem to be two different problems.

1. You're upset about the girl. Here, I agree with John -- she sounds like bad news, I think this is a blessing in disguise. Sure you liked her, BUT her m.o. seems to be playing people against each other. Maybe she's insecure and likes the attention. Maybe she's really looking forward to you getting riled up. It's OK to let yourself feel this anger for a little bit... but don't mistake it for wanting her. I'm not even sure it's pure jealousy. It's probably a little bit anger and feeling like you are being betrayed or played by her. Unless there's more to the story we don't know, my advice is: thank your lucky stars she's out of your life, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get out of the cycle of using/being used.
The best way to do that is to look honestly at what happened and choose not to live your life that way.

2. You're upset about the way you behaved. That's understandable, it's usually an awful feeling to blow up at someone. But don't conflate this with feeling bad about the relationship. Learning how to behave well takes time. Try to come up with a game plan for how you might have acted differently, while the wound is still fresh. That doesn't mean deciding not to be jealous. It means learning how to channel (not the same as suppress) your anger. Easier said than done, but you're an artist right? Get some great songs out of it.

What did you like about her anyway? In what ways was she good for you?