I’d like to describe a situation for you (taken from the beginning of a beautiful film by Gremillon):

A woman doctor arrives to an Island to be its only doctor. The old retiring doctor shows her around, and then her room. She looks out of her window and we can see through it a beautiful view of the sea and the lighthouse. She remarks how beautiful the view is, to which the doctor replies he doesn’t notice it anymore. He then says how she will be like that lighthouse – alone in the sea.

-  She then looks horrified at him.


That is the scene, which all in all takes about 30 seconds. It is astonishing , and  that split second look is what is responsible for its power.

My question is this: why are women so afraid of being alone?



It is of course an exaggeration to say women; some women, perhaps most women, though not all. Also, some men are afraid of being alone. Why then do I single out women. Well, because for so many it is such an amazing driving force in their life – from getting a partner to having kids, so much is derived from this fear. Not fear from a momentary being alone, but for the future – what if I become an old maid, who will love me when I’m old, etc. They will drop everything now, give up so much only that in the future there will be someone for them.

Now one can start explaining but notice how for men the loner is almost a hero figure. They are all loners, or would like to think of themselves as such. (I’m not claiming they are, but it is a hero figure). You can say women are smarter, they understand what is needed for a better life – but do they? Is this fear really that reasonable? Should we fear so much who will cry at our funeral?  

Feeling you are all alone in the world, and that no one will care when you die is not to (pretty much) anybody’s liking.  But what would we do to avoid it is another matter altogether. Would we stop working, would we give up our dreams of doing this or that, would we sit at home and raise kids instead of developing ourselves (yes you self develop raising kids, but it is really not the same)?

(To avoid misunderstandings I would add the obvious, that I don't think this is the only reason people have kids. There are many different motivations).

Perhaps it all sounds like so long ago, and that women nowadays are very different – they work, they do everything. Maybe. I am not sure this strong fear is not just as strong a driving force in their life today as it used to be. Perhaps men are better today in accepting that their wives work, and thus women can both work and have a man who wouldn’t be threatened by that. On this front the situation has definitely improved a lot for women. Perhaps this is really where it should improve. Wouldn’t men give up a lot of things if they knew that otherwise they could not find a wife. Yes, and no. I think you see the very big difference here.


I wanted to bring this topic to discussion. Do you agree, disagree, but more importantly, what would you advise people on the matter. Let’s say a woman would come and tell you she was offered an amazing job, but taking it would probably mean she won’t be able to marry before she’s 40, or 50. Should she take it?

I should add that in thinking about this at the moment, I am heavily influenced by 2 films of Gremillon: L'amour d'une femme (Love of a woman) and Le ciel est a vous (The sky is yours).


To conclude what can you say on the place of solitude in women’s/people’s lives.

Thanks and I hope no one is offended by this post.