In case it's helpful just to have someone else think out loud about
some of the points you raised, here are some reactions, not necessarily
in order of importance.
1. It sounds like there is sort of a gulf between this relationship
and your life, and you are already feeling this is going to involve a
number of choices. If you do start a family with her, this gulf is only
going to widen -- you won't just be leaving her at home if you go to an
event.
2. This issue of not wanting to move in your social circles -- it could
be that, say, she feels intimidated or excluded by the people you want
to network with. If so, this makes things very tricky. If she bristles
slightly whenever she thinks of them, there will always be shadows of
this in the interpretations she gives you of their actions, in the way
she advises you to act, even in the way she comforts you.
It could just be that she's bored by them or dislikes them, say on
ideological grounds, but again, this is going to force you to choose
between career and her all the way up. Maybe she will give you much
needed perspective, but in order to do something difficult (like get to
the top of your profession) you also need a certain amount of support.
Of course, maybe you don't like them either and your choice of her was
a way of giving yourself an excuse to distance yourself from them...
obviously not for me to say. The point is just that one learns a lot
asking oneself why one is attracted to certain things in people --
especially those things which are most irritating.
3. On the issue of sexual compatibility.
As you say, she may be objectively beautiful but one's body can't really lie -- it is like a small child in
the sense that if you try to sort of steamroll over certain worries
emotionally, the body often won't go along with it and the attraction will mysteriously vanish. To use a silly analogy, I have a
very sensitive stomach and the moment I'm really upset I just can't
eat, regardless of how good the restaurant is.
If you did once have really good chemistry, it is reasonable to think
this would come back if other things were resolved. If you never
exactly did, it's more complicated. If she is feeling frustrated in her
life or career and wants you to be the person who puts her on a
pedestal and gives her life meaning, who singlehandedly makes her feel
attractive in the world, it is even more complicated. On the other
hand, maybe she simply feels a certain distance from you (her body is
also truthful -- and she certainly has noticed 1,2 above), and if you
could make the first gestures of goodwill everything would thaw.
In this spirit, some advice:
Give yourself a few days to think. Petra mentioned a nice
technique. Imagine you've broken up with this woman for good, and try to feel it in your
bones: that's it, there's no going back. Let yourself feel what your
ideal woman would be like, in all her particulars. Let the vision range
as broadly as you wish. Imagine what it would be like to meet such a
person, how you would interact, how your life would play out. Carry
these thoughts around with you for several days and see what it is like
to live with them.
You may find that you start to feel enormously free. On the other hand,
as you walk around thinking, you may find your previous partner at
every turn in the road, and feel in a very deep sense that leaving her
was a mistake. But you would need to somehow find this source inside
yourself, imho, before you could really bring certainty (and that
elemental spark) to the relationship.
Anyway, good luck with things.
