Dear Julie,
How to say no is obviously a problem for many. Perhaps a bit more prevalent among women, but not by that much. I obviously cannot give you a complete answer, certainly without knowing you very well, but I can try to help you think on the issue. In any case, it is something which takes time to learn.
I would say that the major issue for people in saying no is: cost vs. benefit. They say to themselves that it is simply simpler to say yes than actually go through the hassle, the argument, the fight, of saying no. Thinking of it case by case, they are probably right, but saying no is not merely a case by case thing, it makes for a completely new life. People don’t understand the strange prison they built for themselves by finding it hard to say no, and the amazing freedom they would gain from the ability to choose what they want, or not, to do. I will elaborate, but first if your immediate thought is that it is egotistical to just think of yourself and not others, I would ask you: do you think mother Teresa would manage to do what she did without constantly saying no.
Now, people constantly ask others to do things for them, mostly because it is much easier than to do something themselves. Now, you might say to yourself why not, what do I care of doing this, I mean it is easy enough to do and won’t take that much time. But then little by little it annoys you and then it explodes and people just don’t understand where it comes from. But you should think not simply whether it is hard for you to do, but how hard is it for the other person? Why can’t they do it themselves? And also, even: would they do the same for you if you asked them? Many times it is easier for you to do what they ask, then for them, but that is not enough of a reason as if you have several such “friends” you can end up doing nothing but things for them. On the other hand, of course, you want to do things for people. For instance, here I am writing and thinking what to say for you, but then it is certainly not because I can’t say no, but a choice of mine because I want to help. There is a big difference between the two. To summarize: the question you should ask yourself is what do you want to do.
But then, some people will be annoyed at you, and if until now you couldn’t say no, you can expect to have a completely different set of friends the moment you start saying no. You will see that all of sudden a lot of your “friends” had perhaps other reasons to be there, and will quickly disappear, and will make place for other people, and mostly, for yourself.
I’m getting carried away here. I apologize that this is not so organized, but am writing pretty much what comes to my mind. You can read this, think of it, and then try to decide what to do. All anybody can do is try to help you think of situation, and how to improve yourself.
I’ll give you some examples which struck me during the years:
1. Someone told me of case that happened to her: she was with this guy who was sad that day and really wanted to kiss her, so she thought why not, it would make him happier and doesn’t bother her at all. I don’t actually remember whether she kissed him at the end or not, but that is not what is important here. Do you actually believe it didn’t matter to her? Don’t you think that if she had kissed him (which perhaps she did) she would feel bad for that? Or should feel bad? I mean, feeling herself as a tool for someone’s satisfaction is what I would call – Bad. As you can see, does it really cost her little, or even if the cost is minimal, the difference in your self-appreciation is huge.
2. Someone who essentially spent most of his time doing things for his friends. Was it nice of him – certainly. Could they have done it themselves – many times no. Did they deserve his time- certainly not! Some people deserve your time, and some simply don’t, and your time is limited here, so you should think how you want to use it. Again, you want to help people, but there are many ways of helping people, and wasting your time on people who don’t deserve it is simply that, wasting your time. There are many ways to help people and that excuse is not good enough for not saying no.
3. Someone who, for instance, when asked for a date could not say no, simply she later cancelled it just before the date. Certainly not someone who cared about helping others, she simply couldn’t react when she felt cornered. This is a different case then. I’ll have to think about it, and continue later.
Actually, I don’t think this case is different, it is still the same question – cost vs. benefit. She doesn’t want to seem not nice. To be considered a bitch or whatever names people would want to use. For people not to like her. In this case, as probably the others, it takes time to learn how to react at the moment. How to react when all of a sudden the lights are on you, and not to be like a dear in the headlights. To take your stand and simply say no. It takes courage the first couple of times, courage to take the anger of people, their unhappiness, their sadness. Their attack and calling names. It is not easy at the beginning, but after a while it is simple, and then people don’t expect these things from you. The anger and annoyance of people comes from expecting you to simply say yes, the moment your character is different, they can sense that and won’t expect you to say yes necessarily. But this will not happen in a day, or even a month, but takes a while. It takes a while to change your character that it is not that hard to say no, and then people can feel it and will react differently. They would even act differently, and as I said, your entourage will be inhabited with a much better quality of people.
Ok, I guess this is enough for now. Probably others will have different advice. Though I must say I don’t have this problem myself, I’m quite interested what others will say about this. I’ll send this to some friends who used to have this problem but managed to change (and some who haven’t).
Good luck with it.
Someone who, for instance, when asked for a date could not say no, simply she later cancelled it just before the date. Certainly not someone who cared about helping others, she simply couldn’t react when she felt cornered. This is a different case then. I’ll have to think about it, and continue later.
Sorry about that. He who says Yes, can't say No.
