I have a very introverted personality. My boyfriend is also introverted, but in a different sort of way. I crave solitude, but on the occasions when I am in public, I enjoy myself and can be outspoken and sociable. My boyfriend is the opposite: He has an intense fear of being alone, but while in company, he is aloof and uncommunicative. He has told me that he feels uncomfortable with other people, but considers it better than the alternative of being alone. Before we started dating, he spent a lot of time at social events, and was constantly around other people. However, since we started dating 9 months ago, he has been spending more time alone with me. We are in the same class in medical school, have the same group of friends, and, although we don’t live together, we alternate sleeping over at one another’s apartments. In other words, we spend A LOT of time together. At this point, we’ve progressed beyond “new relationship insecurities", and are comfortable with each other’s living habits, bodily functions, etc. He has told me that I am the only person he has ever felt comfortable with, and that when it’s just the two of us, he feels “free” for the first time – presumably free of his conflicting fear of being alone and the fear of other people.  The problem is that, although I love him very much, I am feeling increasingly stifled and (dare I admit?) – trapped.

I’ve avoided relationships in the past for this very reason – because I didn’t think that I would ever get past my need for personal time and space. The irony is that he has already brought me past what I thought would be a breaking point in terms of the level of comfort, intimacy and closeness that we have. However, there are still moments when we are together, when I feel an overwhelming desire to run away. Even if we’re not arguing, and/or we’ve just had a happy and romantic moment, I will find myself thinking “I can’t stand it anymore! I have to escape”. This is horrible because it inevitably upsets him to see me upset, and I’m at a loss as to how to explain my feelings.  On the occasions when I do indulge my impulsive and emotional urge to go back to my apartment alone, I (absurdly!) find myself craving to be with him, to know exactly what he is doing at the moment, and to feel the familiar touch of his skin. I also feel some guilt because I think that I have hurt him by leaving (both because of his aversion of being alone, and because he takes it personally when I leave). So, it's a lose - lose situation.

I have read about Erikson’s stages of development, and recognize the intimacy vs. isolation conflict in what I am experiencing. According to Erkison, my need to be an independent self is in conflict with my need for intimacy with another person:

“Once people have established their identities, they are ready to make long-term commitments to others. They become capable of forming intimate, reciprocal relationships (e.g. through close friendships or marriage) and willingly make the sacrifices and compromises that such relationships require. If people cannot form these intimate relationships – perhaps because of their own needs – a sense of isolation may result.”

I wonder how many people never get past the “intimacy vs. isolation stage” of Erikson’s stages development. The terror of losing one’s self-identity, free will, and freedom seems so undeniably powerful. 

I have discussed my feelings with my boyfriend on a few occasions. I know he tries to understand and respect my needs, but ultimately I can’t force him to be happy about the time spent away from me. (Which means that I can’t be happy either). On the most recent “talks” we have had about this, he asked, exasperatedly, whether there were things that I wanted to do that I didn’t feel comfortable doing in front of him. I thought about it, and said “no, not really.”  He asked, “Then what do you want that you can’t have when you’re around me?” The only thing I could think of to say was, “freedom.” Somehow, doing the same things that I would have with him around, but alone, seemed at the moment to be absolute freedom.   

I’m hoping that this is something that he and I can work through and resolve. It is crazy that our respective definitions of freedom are so mutually exclusive: For him, freedom is being with me, and for me, freedom is being without him. I love him very much, and ultimately we have a happy relationship except for the random breakdown moments I have over this conflict.   I feel silly complaining that my boyfriend wants to spend too much time with me. (Don’t most women have the opposite problem?). Is this a boy / girl thing? Am I unusual in feeling trapped in a very loving relationship with a great guy who I love and am very attracted to? What is the “normal” amount of time that people in a committed relationship spend around each other?