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How important is it to please the parents in the choice of your partner?
How important do you think it is to please the parents in the choice of your partner?

I remember my father telling me at the time of my first boyfriend whom they very much disliked: “you have to choose between your boyfriend and your mother’s nerves.” Of course, I chose my boyfriend but looking back, my parents were right and he was not a very good partner, so I should have definitely chosen my mother’s nerves after all. I have wonderful parents so they would probably know how to judge a situation from the point of view of what is best for me (something that is hard to do when one is blinded by love), but on the principle, isn’t it simply wrong?
I've had a similar problem in the past. I have a very good relationship with my parents, who are wonderful people and really care only about my happiness. It's not that they didn't like my boyfriend, it's just that they thought he wasn't making me happy, and to tell the truth he was actually making me miserable. They expressed their concern in the most delicate way, but my reaction was nonetheless to keep a destructive relationship going because I didn't want to be told what to do. As a result I spent more miserable months with the guy. Looking back, I still don't see what else I could have done, or, better, I think I would make the same mistake again: I couldn't look the guy in the eye and tell him words that were echoing in my mind from the conversation I had had with my parents, no matter how true these words were. It's tough.
On the other hand, if my parents just didn't like my boyfriend for what he is, then, though it would break my heart, I would put my foot down and ask them to put my happiness before their taste. Which I know they would do. For example, I am jewish and, should I end up with someone who isn't, I know that my parents would be a little bit disappointed (for totally irrational reasons). I also know that they would overcome their disappointment very soon, maybe even without me saying anything.

In response to Layla Tov
Layla, i came across same kind of situation. Hope is constructive and destructive(when it becomes frustration).
I personally think, it's important to win trust of my parents. They basically don't question my privacy or maturity, but they want secure future of mine. Parents need that satisfaction.

There is different tradition in eastern part of world compare to western world. It's funny though.

In western world "boy loves girl, girl loves boy. They meet each others parents and get married".

Eastern part it's more stages.
"boy loves girl, girl loves boy. "
"girl's family must love boy, boy's family must love girl"
"girl's family must love boy's family and boy's family must love girls family"
"boy and girl are still in love, they get married"

In response to Layla Tov
I have always felt very lucky that my mother decided to never make commentary on my significant others.  I could always tell when she approved or didn't approve, but she never said anything outright, so I never was backed into a defensive stance.  She knew that I had to learn on my own and make my own mistakes.  
It is very rare that the first person we ever date, or even the first 10 people we ever date, will be right for us.  Because it's true that we need to have experience in order to understand what we really are looking for in a partner.  Often we get married before we even realize what we are doing (hence the high divorce rate).  But all of these experiences collect together to help us lead a better life in the long run.

It's sometimes hard to defend a society where parents do not choose their progeny's spouse, especially considering all the agony that we go through (and put others through) in choosing.  But I believe that it is worth it in the end, in terms of our own satisfaction and our own enlightenment.

I am happy now, and I wish all of my previous significant others well (indeed, I know that most of them are happier now).  Memories of misery aside, I think everyone involved grows when they go through this process.  I think misery can only be extended when parents try to involve themselves, thus creating a defensive reaction.
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Latest Post: March 6, 2010 at 12:14 PM
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