THINQon : How to control one's anger versus co-workers

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Maya (alias)

How to control one's anger versus co-workers

Latest Post: March 2009

0 followers

Hi everyone,

I’m going through a difficult time at work at the moment, so I went to read your different ideas on how to deal with colleagues one can't stand . I found that very helpful but I still couldn’t find the solution concerning the huge amount of anger inside me, so I went to read on how to control one's anger, but it dealt with anger in a relationship. So here is a new topic I’d like to open about how to deal with your anger versus your boss and co-workers (who is in love with you in my case).

I’ll give some details as to my personal story to start the subject. A few months ago the company I’m working at took on a new guy just out of college to help me, and asked me to train him and later to supervise his work. He showed lots of good will at the beginning (though I must admit that his long speeches on how he loves this job and how he’s going to invest till he’s at the top, were tiring, childish and presumptuous). Still, I was very understanding attributing that to his young age and high motivation, thinking it’s a good thing after all. After a couple of weeks, it was clear that the guy was in love with me. Of course, there is nothing I can do about that, so I thought that as long as I keep a safe professional distance, it could be ok. Never was I more wrong. From the moment he started, after the training period was over, working with him has become unbearable. Unfortunately he is not very talented. He’s lacking in judgment due to his inexperience, but being devoid of any self-criticism he’s unable to learn from mistakes, and would rather swim in their midst pretending they are successes.

His goal was to be admired by me, and in that sense I could not hide that this is way out of his reach. So he began doing everything to infuriate me.
He was trying to find any excuse to meet instead of discussing the things on the phone and by mail, making me lose precious time and having to see his figure, I have with time learned to hate. He is not sending me the information I need, and keeps it to the meetings to try and catch me unprepared. Finally and what maddens me most, he attacks my work and achievements trying to put me down. I have a high level of self criticism, which is why I am good at my work, and though I know it, I’m also quite unconfident and easy to destabilize. He is basically attacking my self-esteem. He went to the boss (she’s not very bright and she likes him a lot, always looking at him with stars in her eyes, drinking his words of wisdom in her profound stupidity), aiming, and even succeeding to a certain extent to convince her that his work is excellent and that I misjudge him to the disadvantage of the company and that I myself am the one who lacks judgment. So there it is. I hate him as I have rarely hated anyone in my life and I must face him more than I can bear. What to do?

Reply to:

Simon Lacoste-Julien

March 2009

7 followers

Dear Maya, I am sorry to hear about this frustrating situation.

I do think that the above mentioned post on how to control one's anger (in a relationship) applies also here insofar as to identify the source of your anger: is it a threat to your self-image due to his criticism and now the boss who starts to believe him? Injustice? Lack of control over the situation? All of the above? Etc.

Sometimes, already getting a better grasp of where the anger is coming from helps to reduce it. Another tool which helps me significantly to reduce the anger is to try to understand the other person, genuinely. As Jean was mentioning earlier in the other post about colleagues one can't stand [sidenote: how do I include links to other posts? - it is a bit pathetic that I can't figure this out given that I studied Computer Science ;o), though I didn't see any info on how to do this yet], most people are good, are at least, usually have good intentions. For example, in your story, you mentioned that 'he began doing everything to infuriate me', attributing to him an intention to actually infuriate you. Are you sure it is the case? Given that he is attracted to you as you said, it would be normal that he tries to meet with you as often as he can, not to infuriate you but rather because he likes to be with you. This is still annoying for you, but at least it makes it more bearable than to think that he is actually doing it on purpose, in full knowledge that it will infuriate you (are you sure he knows that it infuriates you, e.g.?). I personnally think that these situations, where one gets angry at someone else because of not just what they do but also because they think the other person does it on purpose (which is rarely the case in my [young and naive] experience), are actually quite common. And separating the what happens vs. what we think the other person's intentions are, can often help to reduce the level of anger.

Finally, about what to do, here are a few questions for you:
1) Do you have to work with this guy, or can you have somebody else supervise him?
2) You said that he is not very talented and unable to learn from mistakes. If this causes a lot of problems in your work environment, do you have objective facts to back this up to bring to your boss so that she could get a more realistic picture of the situation rather than just his sweet talk? Don't make it personal, but rather put it in concrete terms, as what you are trying to achieve with your job and what are the difficulties you are facing because of him.

Just some initial food for thoughts...

Reply to: or

Maya (alias)

March 2009

0 followers

Hi Simon,

You are right in saying that he doesn’t try to infuriate me on purpose and that he really only wishes to see me. Realizing that made it easier for me this week. Thinking of it and trying to understand the source of that anger brought me back a few years ago (well, quite many years ago actually...) and I understood that I have never been good and patient towards those friends (guys) that disappointed me in mixing friendship with a sort of love fantasy I considered (and still consider) pathetic and unnecessary .

Even as a child, in 3rd or 4th grade, the first time when a schoolmate came to me and confessed he’s “in love”, my reaction was not to be flattered, or to pity him for not feeling the same. No, I was angry, I stopped talking to him (even though all my girl friends told me that I should feel good about it and be nice to him). So it made me realize that I simply didn’t change and now I have to. I must learn to deal with it before it’s too late (when I will be old and decrepit and nobody will fall in love with me anymore, and I will look back with yearning to these days).

As for work, I’ve managed this week to avoid frictions, and to get him to be more independent, or work directly with the boss. We’ll see, time will tell how good or bad he’s at it (though I still believe he’s not talented), and it will decide if, where, and how long he will stay. In the meantime, I decided to be patient, cool and understanding.

Thanks a lot!-)

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Simon Lacoste-Julien

In response to Maya

March 2009

7 followers

Hi Maya, I am glad to hear that things are maybe on a path to resolution.

I wouldn't have guessed that one could have this kind of reaction from being the target of love from someone else. Looking at the other related posts by women on this website made me more aware of this phenomenon for which I wasn't fully aware. Certainly something for me to keep in mind in the future, to better understand what's happening around me; thanks for sharing the additional insights you had after thinking about it!

Best of luck with the staying cool and patient part... Another tool which I find personally quite useful for this is simply meditation. It helps me be more peaceful; more grounded with my emotions; more aware of the storm which I made up vs. the essential aspects of the problems; and also feel more connected (and loving and patient) with the other imperfect humans with their normal though sometimes unfortunate desires...