THINQon : Infinity and metaphysics

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Hanna Clapson, I am an English major. I write and think. I...

Infinity and metaphysics

Latest Post: May 8, 2011 at 8:04 PM

22 followers

I had an existential breakdown when I was 8. I didn't know it at the time. In fact, I wouldn't have known how to spell the word let alone give it any sort of definition at that age well before puberty.

I was raised with no religion. I'm sorry, that's not entirely true. My mom took me to Unitarian church, but that is hardly faith-instructive as it is a religion mostly inspired by The Golden Rule. Certainly, one of the better ideas for a church. When I was 8 I remember being afraid at night. By then I didn't believe in monsters, goblins and ghouls. No, I was afraid of something else entirely, something an 8 year old could in no way describe to her parents when she ran to their room every night to sleep under the protection of their cloud like covers.

Looking back now, I know I was afraid of infinity, of emptiness, and eternity. I had no God to give my universe meaning and I had no reason for my existence inside that universe. I remember lying awake in bed as my head ballooned to the size of the galaxy and still only remained a speck of sand on an unbounded beach bordering a fathomless ocean.

My lack of faith and my faith was rocked. I wanted someone to be there but I didn't know it. I wanted some big man to step out from the sky and say he built this universe for me and only me. But he never did. And I was left wide awake not knowing, but feeling that I was smaller than the billions of atoms that comprise me. I didn't grasp at it then, but when I was 8 I understood I was all alone next to infinity. And it was horrifying in a way I haven't felt since.

As sure I am of that period in my life being the one where I rejected faith, I cannot be so certain when it was that I accepted non-faith, and if I have at all, or if I ever will. Is it the job of the atheist to find her place in the universe without God, or am I still that same little girl waiting for God to step down and speak to me?

What does it mean to be an atheist? Is it more than a rejection of God? Is it a rejection of meaning? But why is the word atheism so tied into the words non-belief and rejection. Maybe as an atheist I've accepted infinity, maybe I've accepted my little corner of that limitless beach.

Can't we atheists be as spiritual as other religions? Maybe we have no doctrine, but we certainly value the universe as much as any Christian, Jew, Mormon, Scientologist, or Muslim.

This post is referenced by the following other contributors:

Morgan Milford

in "Aldous Huxley: The Doors of Perception and Heaven and Hell (P.S.) / Cognition and hallucinogenics"

(Library)

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Mark Opal

July 24, 2009 at 8:30 PM

13 followers

Nice post Hanna.

I am an atheist as well. And though I don't consider myself spiritual, I wouldn't say I have no faith. Though I have no belief in God, science and specifically physics have instilled in me a Godlike appreciation for the universe. The intricacies of our existence proved to me there is no God, but it didn't prove there is no meaning to it all. At the bottom of every equation is a degree of order that is so spectacular that it shakes my atheistic bones. Because I do believe in something out there, something so unbelievable spectacular that it would wrong to coin it a God. That the universe exists at all is so unimaginable that saying it is the work of a God is almost naive because there is no way any human brain can begin to contemplate it.

But that's where spiritual people of all religion meet in the end, when they fly beyond their doctrine and admit that their true faith belongs to the universe, not to the texts they themselves wrote. And that's the same nexus of faith where atheists can join as well. Because science is a religion too, the only difference is it's holy book is printed with equations and logical formulas. But science approaches the same thing religions do, and that is a deeper understanding of the universe and our position to it.

So you're right Hanna, as atheists we too can appreciate the universe as much as any religion, though we have no practice to show how.

A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, of the manifestations of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty - it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute the truly religious attitude; in this sense, and in this alone, I am a deeply religious man.
-Einstein

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Thomas Hancock

May 6, 2011 at 4:46 PM

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I think I understand what you mean. There's a song that begins "I was born secular, and inconsolable. . . " that I always thought applied to myself.

We very rarely went to church. Growing up I had a kind of recurring, non-religious mystical experience when I would "remember" back to the time before I was born. I didn't feel the terror you describe, just a kind of vertigo and awe.

I don't believe in gods of any sort in the supernatural sense. I don't see evidence for any, nor at this time in my life, after having lived as a Christian and Buddhist, do I feel the need for one. The universe is so full of meaning in itself, it seems beside the point. But I don't describe myself as an atheist, I just say I'm not religious. When you say "atheist," it conjures up all kinds of bad things in some people's minds, so I would avoid it.

I understand, however, that people are afraid of dying and meaninglessness, and find comfort in believing in supernatural beings who will take care of them.