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Loss of libido
Forgive me if this has been brought up in this post already.  It is easy to theorize about monogamy when one's partner is sexually interested.  However, my wife, with whom I want to stay till one of us dies, has lost her libido.  We haven't had sex in 10 years.  I feel like a partnerless adolescent, whose only outlet is my own hand.  How should I stay monogamous like this?  I have lost something essential, and the only possible revival for me (which I have not looked hard enough for) is to have sex with someone else.  Where is the value of monogamy for me?  I cannot figure it out.

I believe you are nearly ten years too late in waiting. My advice is this:  Have a heart to heart with your wife. She has lost her libido yet how does she expect you to have a fulfilling sexual experience that you are entitled to? It is admirable for you to want to stay with her and she should fully realize that you could leave, but you are not. Hence, the communication needs to focus on you being able to have an occasional sex partner to fulfill that aspect of your life. You need to keep the emotion out of such experiences, so you may want to focus on married partners who are seeing other sex partners for whatever reason. The risk you run in connecting sexually with an available woman is that you may feel the desire to leave your wife which is another whole topic of conversation,
Bottom line:  If your wife is reasonable and understanding and wants what is good for you and to keep the relationship going with you, then she should allow you occasional sexual experiences outside your marriage.

In response to Jay Jeffrey
Thanks for the reply.  We've done lots and lots of communicating about it, we both already understand what you've said.  The problem is society's attitudes about monogamy, or lack thereof.  One has to be secretive, or one carries a scarlet letter.  It comes down to completely practical matters.  There is simply a taboo in the US regarding extramarital sex.  The prerequisite for extramarital sex is divorce, i.e., extramarital sex is considered the end of marriage.  There are exceptions, but exceptions are what they are.  Look at the loss of reputation of our societal heroes, Tiger being simply the latest example.  I myself am a known professional in my city, and I would lose much of my ability to be productive, through stigmatizing, if I were openly to look for a sexual partner outside of my marriage.    My post is not a request for advice, although I am appreciative of your attempt to help.  It's an appeal to address the problem headon.  Monogamy is merely a word if it is not challenged by something other than preference.

Okay, I will steer clear of advice although your question did seem to indicate a sexual resolution.
 But I ask you:  Do you want to occupy your time in some other way or do you want sexual relations?

I would suggest you take up new interests (hobbies, sports, etc.) to occupy more of your time if sex is not an option. It seems you want more than masturbation but you will not for professional reasons, engage sexually with an outside partner or partners.

I am not 100% sure you cannot have sexual relations without them becoming public. What about escorts, call girls (safe, healthy) or someone who is in the same situation you are? After all, in your reply to me you say "there are exceptions..."
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Latest Post: January 23, 2010 at 6:18 PM
Number of posts: 40
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