Hi Denise,
So what's going on that has terrified you so?  You certainly don't have to answer that, I'm just interested.

You want to live your life with poise and reason.  You will do so because you choose to.  You'll be afraid at times and terrified at times and other times you will be calm and peaceful, because that is your nature.

Write again here and write often (daily, more than daily...whatever's necessary).  Keep us updated.  We're not always smart but we're almost always entertaining.
And we join you in your search for peace in our very short and uncertain lives.

Hello Denise,

I found myself narrowing your situation into a specific situation that may not apply specificially to you but which helps me to address the generality of your question. "Facing scary uncertainties" is a succinct description of "anxiety". There is a lot to be anxious about in the situation of breast cancer. It also is disfiguring, radical surgery can leave one disabled (weak) and the surgery doesn't guaranty that the cancer was removed in time to live out the fullness of ones years.

I have observed in myself and others that people do best when they are in battle with a challenge and do poorly while waiting for the battle to come to them. Whatever the challenge is I would urge you to hunt it out and contend with it as soon and as forthrightly as you can because it will get you out of the "waiting" stance which is a powerless place to be. People, I would say almost without exception, are courageous and brilliant when they engage in a struggle. It is when the human is at its best.  I am confident that you would be too.

As for disfiguration and the sense of personal loss of self that accompanies disfiguration, again I continue to use the breast cancer analogy here, again, as above it depends on how you meet the challenge. Some time ago I saw a photograph in a magazine advertizement for donations to breast cancer research in which there were about 14 women standing facing the camera and topless. They were baring their missing breasts. The women were of every age and physical shape and ethnicity. I was keenly aware of how much more beautiful these women were than any women I had every seen before who exposed their more perfect breasts. They were exposing their character and their power to defy death to the end. Their coming to terms with the consequences of doing battle with cancer had the power to rebuke any notion of disfigurement. The picture brought to mind that Amazonian, resilient quality that women have. They were women whose authority over themselves and their struggle was a greater and deeper beauty than that offered by mere breasts.

Death itself is easy. It is just the going back to where you had been before you were born and for just as long (admittedly all unknown but at least the nature of death should not be foreign to us since in the world of time we have been dead much longer than we have been alive). The transition from living to being dead is the hard part. It is the part that you have to wait out and can not run towards to challenge it. Waiting is a state of powerlessness.  Besides, death always wins in the end. So my recommendation is to distract yourself by scaring the hell out of yourself with more immediate frightening things to take you mind off that gnawing spectre in the distance. I don't know what scares you the most but for me it is talking to a room full of people. Since public speaking frightens me so much I would enroll in a public speaking class to distract myself from obsessing about dieing. If I were in my 20s I would take up rock climbing because I have a fear of heights as well. If I had some money to do so I would take sail plane lessons. Activities such as these will also get you engaged with other people which could further distract you from obsessing on death.

Good luck Denise

Denise -

First let me express my hope that you will move through whatever trial you find yourself facing. I agree with James that one way to cope with anxiety is to directly confront your fears and move forward. Easier said than done. Anxiety usually results from our finding ourselves in situations that we preceive to be beyond our control. The illusion of control allows us to feel safe, but is this real?

Two examples of coping:
The Dalai Lama gave a lecture in a small venue near where I lived in KY. Afterwards, he took questions, one of which was a brilliant "Do you worry?" His face took on the loveliest little smile and he said, "Oh worry! Yes, I worry and then I see myself worrying and I let it go." This with a delightful laugh. Of course he has trained his whole life to be self aware and to release negative emotions.

When I asked a man who I consider to be my primary teacher in this life what he did when he found himself worrying, he said, "Oh, I take some action."

So, the Dalai Lama may be able to just let go of worry and my highly evolved teacher could just take action, but that doesn't mean the rest of us, without practice, can do the same. I am sure that your situation is very real and threatening to you. At the same time I have often said that stress comes from within. We tell ourselves a story (usually with a negative outcome) that we come to believe. It is a product of our forebrain to be able to envision scenarios that do not exist in reality and then act as if they are a foregone conclusion. Once this is done we ruminate on all the negative outcomes that may result.

How do we break out of this cycle? A couple of suggestions: One is the work of Roberto Assigioli, M.D. called Psychosynthesis; particularly his work on disassociation. The other is the book "Full Catastrophe Living", by Jon Kabat Zinn. The most important thing to realizing is, what is most important in this moment and each moment. Each moment we spend in our imagined future is a moment we are not alive in the present.

So, do whatever it is you have to do. But, don't let the situation control how you choose to LIVE. Be emotional, and alive in your senses. Appreciate the wonder that is all around you knowing that it is temporary. Don't be afraid of the pain, for it too is temporary.

"Be here now!"