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Bedroom Under the sheets (or not) MEN and PORN: The tie that binds

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MEN and PORN: The tie that binds

Latest Post: July 27, 2011 at 12:29 PM

4 followers

I do not know if somewhere in the archives of this site, lies an existence of dissenting voices and sound arguments on the relationship between MEN and PORN, and yes, on the side, the WOMEN in the picture.

I have come across this both in introspect and in retrospect when I asked my fiancé if he watches porn. He said ‘Yes’. Well, he said it wasn’t really strictly “porn” as it only involves them in degrees of undress, parading nonchalantly on the streets or in bathhouses or perhaps on open French windows. He defines himself a ‘voyeur’. The synapses in my brain’s electrical impulses suffered a power outage for two and a half breaths only to be replaced by mad influx of mixed emotions and nagging thoughts. Very nagging thoughts…

What he said was in chorus to the articles I read – that men are visuals, they want to have something going on to get going. Science validated by saying that men are somehow wired differently on this aspect; where women go by touch and feelings, their opposites are more on the graphics. He also added that it is not a replacement of a loved one’s absence. It’s just how it is. It’s just there to get the job done and will have no more of it if were together (ours is a transpacific relationship). And he also stressed of men not getting enough making them turn to porn. Why won’t wives get off their fat asses and strip for their men. “Even if the ass is REALLY fat?” I asked quizzically. YES, he said, you’re my woman.

Women, except for a minority, feel cheated, rejected, isolated. They begin comparing themselves with porn models – yes, the D-cups, tight butts and pretzel-like capabilities. No matter how successful these women are, in quiet moments, would ask themselves, ‘Am I not enough? Is something wrong with me?’. And porn seem to push those buttons. Never mind if the absurdity of the whole thing is apparent such as wearing double-suede platforms to bed, make-up that are perpetually on and how women would ALWAYS be in orgasm at the same time the man does.

And for those who watch porn to get even someone said, “… when you make love with your man, he might think that you are using him to get off while images of your porn play in your head. (Just like he does to you, ladies.) Many men might laugh at that notion of getting revenge on them because they would love seeing their wife or g/f enjoying herself. It is a turn on for them.”

So what’s the point in all these? I don’t know exactly. Perhaps for me and for countless women who are seeking validation, affirmation, consolation even? Men think it is nothing personal. Well, at the course of my hammering on the keyboard, the degree may vary from those others, but I would like to say, yes, it is personal.

This post is referenced by the following other contributors:

Damian Flint	in "Burka or no Burka? / Burka or no Burka?"	(The Chamber of Politics)
George Browning	in "Is cheating 2.0 cheating?"	(The Living Room)
John Stevenson	in "PETA to launch porn site to promote message"	(Bedroom)

Reply to:

John Cohen

January 26, 2010 at 11:12 PM

2 followers

Here are a few thoughts from my perspective as a guy.

- You've told us your emotional reaction to men using porn, and that's important ... but I don't see where you've addressed whether this is rationally justified. That's also important, because that can mean the difference between perpetually harboring a grudge, or saying to yourself, "Hey, you know what, I'm just going to move on from this and try not to let it bother me."

- I have no doubt that porn leads to lower self-esteem for some women because they compare themselves to the porn stars. But if we were going to have a free-ranging discussion of why many women have a negative body image, I don't think the main focus would be (or, should be) on porn. I'm not even sure the main culprit is men. Women tend to have stricter views of which female body types are attractive than men. (Yes, this has been shown in psychological studies.) Women are more likely than men to think of "attractive" for a woman as being nearly synonymous with "skinny." Don't women have a lot of responsibility for this?

- Some porn critics (for instance, Catharine MacKinnon) have argued that porn is bad because it makes men more likely to commit rape. On the other hand, what if this assumption is not just wrong, but the opposite is true? That is, what if porn makes men less likely to commit rape? It wouldn't be hard to see how this could be the case: porn can serve as an outlet for men's excess sexual tension -- or even aggression -- which can reduce men's desire to commit rape. Porn tells men: "Hey, you don't need to go out into the real world looking for beautiful women -- you can have them right here in the privacy of your own home without interacting with a real person." Now, maybe that's not the most noble thing in the world, but that doesn't mean it can't have positive side-effects. By the way, during the rise of the internet, with porn becoming far more accessible and more debased, the overall crime rate in America has dramatically plummeted, the amount of rape in this country has plummeted. Based on this evidence, shouldn't Catharine MacKinnon repudiate her past statements that more porn leads to more rape?

John Stevenson sent kudos.

Reply to: or

Rebecca Browne

In response to John Cohen

February 20, 2011 at 9:48 PM

5 followers

John-

I have no doubt that porn leads to lower self-esteem for some women because they compare themselves to the porn stars.

It doesn't for me, and I don't think it does for any of my women friends. An occasional curiousity notwithstanding, we really don't harbor a latent interest in becoming a porn star. For one thing, it's so clear how artificial porn is- what little I've seen involves men in varying stages of ED with women who are clearly faking it. Believe it or not, as a small breasted female, I have no particular desire to be large breasted (ok, maybe a little as I was growing up, lol), and I haven't noticed that it has stopped men from having an interest in my body.

That is, what if porn makes men less likely to commit rape?

Porn I've seen leaves me rather cold- as opposed to an erotic film, such as "The Unbearable Lightness of Being". But it clearly has a different effect on many men. Late last year, I had the dubious pleasure of being the only female watching a porn flic with a group of several men about my age, a couple of whom I'd never met (the sole other woman left as it became clear what was on the menu). Now the first flic they showed drew my attention largely because it was in French, so at least I had a test of my language comprehension skills (not exactly complex conversation, in case you were wondering), so perhaps the guys mistook my attentiveness for fascination with the visuals. But what's relevant here is that three of the men seemed to think I should be willing to engage like the starlets on screen that so occupied their attention. It took a little persuasion from both me and the guy I was with to convince them that no, I really wasn't going to take off my clothes and engage in group sex just because they got aroused watching the show, thank you very much. Moreover, I had the distinct and discomfiting feeling that had the situation been a little different, they would have felt no need to be constrained by my lack of assent on the matter.

My impression is porn tends to make men think women want what some neanderthal part of their brains would like women to want. Well, sorry guys, I'm not a bonobo, or a female rat who happily copulates 500 times in the space of a few hours of receptivity. Then again, *I* may be available again tomorrow :).

becca

This post is referenced by the following other contributors:

John Stevenson

in "MEN and PORN: The tie that binds"

(Bedroom)

Reply to: or

Esther White

January 27, 2010 at 2:40 AM

1 follower

Many interesting questions and comments here. To add a few, I would say the way people choose to express, or indulge, fantasy is partially gendered but also hugely culture driven. Consider by way of analogy how differently the sexes interact with junk food. A man goes out with his friends for a meal -- think of the ideal here -- meat, fat, barbecue sauce, a cold beer. A woman goes out with her friends, she can eat anything she wants, it's three-layer cake with lots of icing roses.

Why don't women dream of barbecue ribs with their girlfriends? It's not that they wouldn't appreciate the taste. It's certainly not that it's more fattening than icing roses. I suspect it's partially physiological (estrogen, sugar) and hugely social. Years of fetishizing cake has its effect.

I expect the taste for porn is somewhat similar. It is partially physiological but just as much, if not more, acquired. In other contexts, like decorating or fashion, it is claimed that women are much more visual than men and this is why they care about dress to the nth degree. Now we are led to believe that they only look at clothes, not bodies? Too convenient. Romance novel covers sell for a reason.

To put PB's point somewhat differently, most porn looks through the eyes of men, so it's easy to imagine why women find it less interesting. It tells us how we should be looked at and this is never fun. It doesn't allow us the unselfconsciousness that a man would have looking at the same picture -- because he stands outside the frame. I agree with John that porn doesn't necessarily cause this worldview or this problem, but nonetheless does a significant job of perpetuating it.

What I find most uncomfortable about looking at most pornography [in my limited, but not squeamish, experience] is that sense of "so *that* is how they see us." It is like having the chance to look through the opposing team's eyes shortly before the game begins, to see the adrenaline and the aggression they have mustered against you. It is easier to be friends after the game if you don't see the other side so clearly. Afterwards it makes it stranger to be with men, be around men. However, this is something which could be done differently or more tastefully, I imagine, if there were a market for it.

Would, could, should women enjoy looking at pictures of naked men? Perhaps, but a lot in society would need to change.