Hi Beth, I think it's totally ok to ask here. I think you should definitely try to go to the bottom of the matter. You say that this situation is independent of your partner, hence it is probably worth doing some work on yourself. I find the so-called "most natural thing in the world" often very complicated and I'm more and more convinced that your brain can control very directly your sensations. If you know yourself better, you can control what your brain does better. I know it's not fashionable anymore, but I still believe very strongly in psychotherapy, especially for solving a very specific issue like yours. My faith in this solution is founded on experience, as with me it literally resulted in a miracle on a loosely related issue. If you are open and willing to take action, and you are well directed by a professional, you can really learn to switch sensations on and off. Of course, it may be that your issue is related to something very deep, involving your whole perception of yourself and relation to your body. But often a good therapist is able to help you locally without needing to move seas and continents inside you (which you might want or not want to do). As to how to find the right person, maybe you can discuss it with your gynaecologist : you are certainly not the first person to have this problem, and he/she might give you precious advice.

I agree that you should certainly try to figure this out. Obviously it's a delicate matter to bring up the fact that you've been unhappy for years, but you can avoid this by explaining that you feel that you two are now at a point where you are comfortable enough with each other to try and take your sexual relationship to the next level. Be ready with some suggestions of what this means: even mild things like trying new positions, in total darkness or in broad daylight can slowly push you towards being more responsive to each other, and give you a way to gently work in suggestions with "I'd like to try it if we..." And don't forget a lot of positive reinforcement: "I thought things were good before but now..."

But I also agree that you need to spend some time alone figuring out what it is you want, what your body's rhythms are, how it experiences pleasure. And to put the worry of not being able to to rest. Else, if you're not sure of yourself alone, it is a bit like ordering in a loud restaurant when you don't speak the language: a game of chance at best.

You might try Our Bodies, Ourselves for starters, a classic worth leafing through.

Hi Layla and Emily,

Thanks a lot for the advice, it was just the push I needed in order to take action. I’m going to try psychotherapy as you suggested Layla, and hopefully it will help uncover what is at the bottom of this problem.