Because my parents had a rather bleak sensibility and endowed me with the middle name of Morbidity I thought it wise to invest in a life insurance policy. And it really is an investment. Most people look dreamily towards the hazy relaxation of their soon-to-be glory years often known as retirement. They have their 401Ks and that rainy-day jar fund they could just never justify cracking into. Some have piggy banks and others have grown-up children to passive-aggressively guilt trip into being roommates once-again. In their heads retirement is like those Corona television ads. All they can see is a beach scene from their bathing suits down. The water looks so unaware of global-warming's imminence that these future retirees even dream about jumping in and somehow not contracting some sort of deadly radiation. 

But I am more reality-inclined than most and not only do I sense the risk of infection at all hours and in all places but I also am well aware that real retirement doesn't begin until post-mortem, post-existence, post-body. Hence the life insurance. It's a win win really. I mean you know I'm going to die, I know I'm going to die. Everyone who has ever lived has at some time figured out that they won't last forever. And so really it's a riskless investment. Something like those securitizations of mortgages which landed us all in that muddle a couple years ago. If there's no risk, why not buy buy buy?

They say you can't put a price on a human life. Well, I disagree. And that's why every 6 months I go and get an appraisal. Insider trading info: my stock is rising. Invest now! All checks can be made out to me directly. And when it's me who checks out you won't be sorry! I pay out in full. And by "I" I mean someone other than me, I'm going to be too busy with a corona and beautiful beach women to answer mail (if mail still exists in both the future and the post-life).

So sure am I of the merits of a life insurance policy I've seen to it to get everyone I know covered, the younger and healthier they are the better. Lower Risk More Pay out! Why would anyone find this a morbid practice is beyond me. If anything it's a logical practice! Should I die my potentially wonderous afterlife is left in the hands of friends. They'll no doubt deck it out for me by buying themselves such things as houses and trophy spouses. I'll rest easier knowing full well my friends have a warming toilet seat in their goldplated bathrooms.

So get out there and prepare. If big finance is making dough on your downfalls, why not make dough on that one big inevitable downfall?