THINQon : Poem - thoughts welcome

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Margaret Wells

Poem - thoughts welcome

Latest Post: January 22, 2011 at 9:19 AM

13 followers

I thought I would be brave and ask for feedback on the following
short poem.

Song

In the midst of a completely foreign language
all sounds are music. Trees rustle,
cars idle, men in cafes rumble softly,
sirens wail, rain trickles from spouts.
Tossed among these swells one's boat
heads further and further out to sea.

On and on one plows through waves of streets
past blocks of buildings, uniform slate-grey shingles,
smooth cobblestones, asphalt slick with rain.
Twilight falls; the rain's rhythm ceases.
Now look in through the open eyes of houses
to their interiors awash with light.
See where color comes from, where it springs from:
how vivid the interior of the body must be.

Reply to:

Aaron Malver, I moved to Seattle in 1993 to take a job at...

January 21, 2011 at 7:30 AM

6 followers

Margaret,

Given the time that's past since you first posted this, perhaps feedback is either no longer relevent or no longer wanted, but I admire that you took the chance of putting it out here, so, for what it's worth....

I love the progression from hearing sounds to imagining the inner world of their source. The variety of images you conjur suggest how rich that journey can be. My favorite line is "cars idle, men in cafes rumble softly." Similar sounds and similar motions--or lack thereof, as the case may be.

I can offer some thoughts on where you might go from here, but given the time that's past, perhaps you would re-post to let me (us) know if the suggestions are still welcome and whether you'd prefer we read a revised version first.

Reply to: or

Margaret Wells

January 22, 2011 at 4:07 AM

13 followers

Thanks for responding to my poem! I would be delighted in feedback. I haven't edited it, actually, though some time has indeed passed. I wasn't sure where to begin. But I don't want to bias your reaction.

Margaret

Reply to: or

Aaron Malver, I moved to Seattle in 1993 to take a job at...

In response to Margaret Wells

January 22, 2011 at 9:19 AM

6 followers

You're most welcome. I'm glad I can offer something.

I stand by my earlier post, and would add that a fruitful next step might be to hone the specific images you've included. Right now I find that the images come too quickly for me to make connections between one and the next. Water and boats play a substantial role in this version, which, given the journey from "outer" to "inner," makes for a nice progression. You might explore whether that--or some other anchor--can provide the bridge from the poem's opening to its conclusion. (Puns, of course, intended. :-))