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Restlessness and the value of time
Hi, please forgive me for the slightly bad topic title, but I find this subject difficult to summarize.
Recently, I've been starting to be more aware of my thoughts, actions and activities which I partake in. Overall, this has shown itself to be a very important awareness to cultivate, and has led me to appreciate a lot more about life. Naturally, as I expand my reflections on this, my life changes and my interests have changed. These changes are almost all positive - I mostly gave up computer games in favor of books, cut down on the amount of internet junk I consumed, and so on.

However, this sword is double edged, as these things tend to be. As they say "the more you know, the less you know." My problem now is that I value my time far too much. I'm lucky, in that I do have a lot of free time, yet with so much of it I find it difficult to really make a decision of what to do at a given moment. On a similar line I'm also troubled that during these activities, I have a nagging concern in the back of my head that what I'm doing might not be entirely worth it. And even worse than all of this, I find it really difficult to just stop and relax.

The mind needs time to stop and interpret everything that's going on, and I'm finding it hard to really give it this time. I dismiss activities that aren't intellectually engaging as often irrelevant, such as casual TV. I've started to try and rekindle my interest in meditation, but I think I need to relax for a bit more than 10 minutes every day!

It may well be that this is just friction that is being noticed as I transition my life to one that I place more value on, but I worry that by being overly sensitive about my time, I risk blinding myself from some of the more subtle beauties in life that just are what they are.
Efficiency. It's a dangerous game we play for the sake of that word. To be more efficient, to be more practical, to live more responsibly. But why?

I've noticed among my friends and peers an overwhelming drive to succeed. Part of it no doubt comes from living in New York. It's almost as if the rampant competition on Wall Street has leaked all through the city pitting borough against borough and neighbor against neighbor. Do well, we're told. Become independent. Make something of yourself. Succeed. 

Success. Now that's an abstract word. How do you quantify something like that? Money? Twitter-followers? Facebook friends? Report Cards?

I learned relatively early never to care about grades. I figure it didn't matter. Why should I work towards another person's expectation of success when it's me I want to impress? Instead, I worked hardest on the assignments and on the classes that interested me the most. The good grades followed. 

I've troubled myself with the same issues about time. Like, if I'm not being productive then I'm a piece of shit. Everything I do must be to a certain end or else it is a waste of the potential I am imbued with. Right? 

It's a tough question because on the one side there is genuine satisfaction from being practical and putting your time to good use. My friend was telling me how a chemical is released in the brain whenever you complete a task you set yourself to. But on the other hand life doesn't have any ends except termination. That sounds bleak yeah, but it's really not. There is nothing driving us to be anything at all. It's only ourselves convincing us we have a direction to go in. 

I guess I don't know if I really have any advice except to be happy doing what you're doing. Find something that is both productive and relaxing. Go exercise go run. It's rewarding and at the end it forces you to calm down, forces your brain into a sieve, forces a moment's respite if for no other reason than it can't quite accomplish anything else.

Also. Enjoy other people's company. Talk to them. It forces you outside of your brain and that's the place where happiness is. 
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Latest Post: December 28, 2010 at 2:09 AM
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