Adultery always makes for good gossip and the recent transgressions of Governor Sanford and Senator Ensign have been especially tantalizing. I guess. But I'm left wondering who is served by these public confessions? Are they not, on some level, for the men themselves? Perhaps the public mea culpa is quicker and more convenient than quietly re-dedicating themselves to their wives. Embarrassment seems a small price to pay for relieving their guilt and liberating themselves to begin new lives...in one fell swoop. 

And what about the rest of us who are not public figures? If we could be absolutely sure that our loved ones would never find out, wouldn't the kinder course of action be to keep our nasty secrets to ourselves and use the guilt to inspire us to be better partners, spouses, lovers? "If" may be the operative expression here. If there's a good chance of disclosure we're probably better off confessing before our partner hears it from someone else. Material I studied for my book suggested this is the best way to maintain the relationship. Confess, express remorse, and somehow persuade your loved one that it will never, ever happen again.

Of course, some people use adultery to exit from a relationship that is long-over. I've always thought this cowardly, especially since the new love often fades as soon as the old one is over.

The discussion of monogamy (post)  raises interesting issues, including what we are promising when we say "till death do us part." Is sexual fidelity really the most important aspect of that promise? Are we promising to never even sin in our hearts (like Jimmy Carter)? What about, say, loving-kindness? or empathy? or companionship? or care?

I would be interested to know what you think.