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Self-absorbed, our children
For background information, let me say this:   I have always had low self-esteem.  Growing up, I was the black sheep, the one who was always in trouble if anyone was, I got blamed for almost everything and was usually  guilty until proven innocent. So I was not really close to my parents because they were so strict and never seemed to be there for me. We never went hungry but there was no emotioinal "there" and if someone said I did something I was always assumed to be guilty. I also have in my background more than one abusive relationship.  I used to have a couple of friends but there was a problem a couple years ago over someone I was dating and now I don't have those friends anymore.

I am pretty much self-sufficient though, I can go for days without seeing anyone, going anywhere, etc. I'm quite happy (as much as I can be anyway) doing my own thing. So while I wish those friendships hadn't ended I'm not griefstricken over it.   I enjoy reading, especially nonfiction and I also like working in my garden.

I have two sons who are the center of my thoughts and my world. I love them both so much. I always want whats good for them and up until now we've always been able to talk about pretty much anything.

But now there is this huge problem that has come up in my family.

About a week ago it was my older son's birthday and I worked really hard (stayed up all night cleaning and cooking and stuff for a picnic to celebrate his birthday. I didin't mind doing it, he's had a rough time for several years now, a divorce, a new job that sucks he says, a 5 year old son that is stubborn and hard to handle sometimes but he loves him. I'm the one my son always turned to when he was troubled and I've always had a sympathetic ear and sometimes advice for him.

But my granddaughter, his daughter by his first marriage, is, IMO a user. She uses people when she needs help, never helps anyone else, doesn't know the meaning of the words thank you (and she has a lot to be grateful for lately), she never pays even the tip when going out to eat, never gives presents, and when she receives gifts she's always so "nothing" no thank you, hardly ever says that she likes something. And she just had a baby last november, the birth went very well, the baby is a good happy baby. but she is single and had some money issues, a lot due to her own carelessness. Her car was repossessed. My son who right now is living with a friend (he pays a small amount of rent for a room in the basement) so he can pay his child support, medical bills, taxes etc. because after the divorce he got stuck with a lot of bills.

But he was really there for his daughter, thats the way he is, he tries to help everyone and I love him for that but he hardly ever speaks up about getting used. He bought her a lot of food and tons of diapers for the baby, a baby bed, he's always taking her to dinner and its never a hamburger joint she likes fancier places. Then the latest thing when her car was repossessed he basically gave her his car which is a fairly nice car but needed a couple thousand dollars of repair so he paid part of the repair and she's supposed to pay him back for the other part. She's not even paying half the repair bills. She paid nothing for the car itself he gave her that and she's just paying for some repair bills WHEN SHE GETS THE MONEY. Plus her car never would have been repossessed, he tried to steer her to a cheaper one but nice but she wanted to do things her way and bought a used car for over ten thoussand dollars then it got wrecked, (like her cars always do) and then she couldn't pay it and he rescued her. I can understand him wanting to help her, its natural for a parent but he is always getting used and she's using him too and it hurts me to see him always get used like that. Last year for father's day she got him no card, no nothing and complained at dinner that it was boring so she stayed long enough to eat and took off. Thats her way.

So on account of my son (her dad) having such a hard time I have encouraged her to help make him feel special. I hinted a couple of weeks ago about getting him a nice gift, not expensive but a "warm" gift and she just brushed it off and said he doesn't like getting stuff (but everyone does whether they admit it or not) I even offered to pay for half of the cost. Then when his birthday came up she came in time to eat and shortly afterwards left, no help with anything, just see ya. I guess she got him a picture of him and his granddaughter I didn't know about that but that was nice but it was her gift to him. She is a good mother, thankfully, but nothing exists in her world except her and her baby. I was talking to her a month or so ago about some serious stuff and she just blew it off and kept talking about her baby.

I was ticked off at her, fed up, because my brother gave her some diapers on my son's birthday and as usual no "thank you". It's become obvious that she doesn't care about anyone but herself. Despite everyone going to great lengths for her she is so selfish.

She said she can't afford gifts so I won't argue that but it isn't the gifts its the careless thoughtlessness of others.

I told her if she can't (she's never ever ever volunteered to bring anything) contribute anything, even bread or something to a dinner then she could offer to help clean up. She has never done that, and its become obvious that she doesn't plan on changing. And I just got fed up with it and confronted her and now its turned into a huge thing between me and my son.

a week ago everything was perfect, nice dinner and everyone had a good visit and now its shot. Because I expect his daughter to grow up and take some responsibility. She got mad and said later that she would pray for me because i"m bitter and angry over the way my life has gone.

It has nothing to do with that, it has to do with she uses and takes and wants more, she's always looking for handouts and free stuff and then doesn't even say thanks. No offers to help and she's 20 years old, healthy, but nothing. So I told her not to come back to my house she isn't welcome there. I did that only after she tried to turn it onto me, saying its my bitterness that's the problem. She still doesn't acknowledge there is any fault of her own at all, no plans to say thank you, no offers to help.

Thats not the way I was raised, you respected your elders and you certainly said thank you and helped out if you were able.

She was raised wrong but thats alll in the past. People have always been good to her. I used to buy her dresses for some dances when she was in hgihschool. But now there is this huge wall and I think Im going to lose my son over it all. Its my feeling (she called him crying) he should have told her she needs to pitch in but he's not strong that way so I don't think he did.

Now I feel like this has all landed at my feet, that I'm the bad guy. But I have just watched this for years and finally I just had it. And I would not have told her not to come to my house anymore if she had not said that it was because I'm just angry and bitter. So basically she denies any wrong doing and has laid it on me.

I'm 60 years old so I don't know how long I will live but none of us do. But after a lifetime being closed to my son I think its all blowing up into this huge thing and I'm losing him.

But I can't apologize to her, what for? For expecting her to think of others instead of herself. And its not gifts, its thinking. Thinking of others enough to say thank you or offer to pay the tip when out eating but she knows only taking.

Now I'm just really hurt, Im scared, I'm getting really depressed and its like all my work for his birthday is over. And I usually feel so close to him at his birthday, after all, it was our "meeting" day, the first time I saw my baby, its a special day to me too.

I'm heartbroken and I guess I'm starting to feel the guilt piling on me. everything that ever went wrong was always my fault and I've finally been making progress about not accepting that attitude until now and Im just totally utterly lost and confused.

It's scary to put this here because I figure everyone is going to say I am an old witch or something but I gotta talk to somebody. I have to say that without my sons in my life I don't care about anything, nothing matters, nothing. I feel like my world is ending and I'm feeling guilty and sick and just ready to give up.

btw, a few people have suggested she is insecure and has poor self-esteem.  You'd have to know her, watch her, but I don't think so, she's forever admiring herself in the mirror or taking her picture on the webcam.  And its not a look like upset, its primping, everybody look at me".  She was such a cute little girl, now she wants to be an adult, and biologically she is but that's where it ends.  imo
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Latest Post: June 17, 2010 at 2:09 AM
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