THINQon : Should You Tell A Man He May Have Sexual Identity Issues?

Bedroom Under the sheets (or not) Should You Tell A Man He May Have Sexual Identity Issues?

THINQon is a platform for a more intelligent web. It aims to replace the ruling paradigm of the web – that of sharing and gathering information – with a sharing and achieving of understanding. Instead of the Q&A model it offers an experience. A platform for discovery of ideas, people, and yourself. Continue >

Deborah Stone

Should You Tell A Man He May Have Sexual Identity Issues?

Latest Post: August 20, 2011 at 12:03 AM

25 followers

How does one go about telling a man he may have "sexual identity issues"? This is cross referenced from my previous post "First Sexual Encounter Disappoints".
A close friend of mine has finally come to the conclusion her new 45+ yr old beau, after 3 months dating, has some "dysfunction" in the bedroom, although it was not obvious on all
occasions. She is very confused, but now realizes that this may not be a "black and white" issue, although she is pretty sure he is "closeted".
Why would a man who has some inkling of his desire for men involve a woman in a relationship, and even get emotionally involved with her?
Is it just denial, not really knowing or wanting to admit you have a problem?
How does she tell him without him getting angry or violent? Or should this conversation just not be a part of the break-up?

Reply to:

Dave Kelsen

August 11, 2011 at 5:06 PM

7 followers

If she really thinks that's a possibility, then it should be part of the conversation of the breakup. Even if she's wrong, she's come to that conclusion based on his behavior, and he may want to modify it - and at least should know how it looks to others.

And if she is right, it may be what he needs to help himself admit where he is mentally, a prerequisite to dealing with it in his life and his dealings with others.

Not much there that can help her, except knowing that it's the right thing to do.

Reply to: or

Deborah Stone

In response to Dave Kelsen

August 12, 2011 at 4:44 PM

25 followers

Dave-
I think what she is thinking about is that although a man may have deep intimacy issues, they are not necessarily because he is gay. He may have
been in a devastating past relationship, or have suffered sexual abuse as a child. She doesn't want to accuse him of being "closeted" because if in
fact he has been abused as a child, this may devastate him further.

In any event he refuses to talk to her about it, which says to me he has probably had this "conversation" with a woman in the past. If he is not able to get

past it with her, I think he needs more help than she can give him.

Reply to: or

Emily Andrews

August 13, 2011 at 5:42 PM

31 followers

Hey Deborah, it's interesting to hear how this story is continuing, thanks for posting.

After some reflection, I feel like the best thing to do would be to put him in a situation where this could come up organically. (I'm thinking... take him out to lunch with a gay friend, a psychologist friend, and an ex-Marine who's been to war and see how he interacts with them... kidding, sort of.)

The way I see it there are two different issues competing for attention here:

1. She wants to have a relationship with this guy AND she thinks certain things need to be resolved in order for that to happen.

2. She likes this guy and wants to help him/save him just as a friend who senses things are going on.

My feeling is that 1 and 2 are pretty much incompatible. All of the issues she's sensing basically would end the relationship, so it's going to be tough for them to come out in the context of sexual intimacy.

If she really finds pleasure in his company, maybe she should try not expecting anything from the relationship and taking him up on his offer of seeing other people -- not necessarily being intimate with them, but just taking some pressure off this relationship till she knows him better. He may not want to tell her anything now, but even a few months will reveal a lot if she is patient and observant.