THINQon : The border between pretention and self-exigence in unrealistic expectations

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Claire (alias)

The border between pretention and self-exigence in unrealistic expectations

Latest Post: June 27, 2010 at 7:23 PM

6 followers

Being deeply sad when failing in reaching an almost unreachable goal, would you say this is pretention or self-exigence (or anything else)?
Here is a fictive example to illustrate my question: imagine a tennis player reaching for the first time Rolland-Garros, he worked hard to get there. His first match is against Raphael Nadal. He's beaten 6-4, 6-3, 6-0. At the end of the match, he's desperate, he knows that he could have done better but the conditions made him nervous and he could not give 100% of himself although he had intended to. He's furious against himself to have passed aside such an opportunity. He should probably be happy to have had the chance to be there, to even have managed to win a few games against such a great player but he's not, he's deeply sad. What do you think about this reaction?

Reply to:

Linda OReilly

June 27, 2010 at 5:08 PM

88 followers

I find myself compelled to answer your questions, Claire,
even though I know nothing of doing anything on such an exalted level as tennis with Nadal.

My first thought is that it's very appropriate to be deeply sad--for a while.
Then he has to jump up to 'what now?'

He's young, smart, healthy in body and certainly must be privy to the mental disciplines athletes use to reach his level of
competition.

It's time to use them.

I imagine it's hard to reach that level of excellence without a clear vision of what may lie before you. Success or failure.
Failure is good. It tells us where we are and gives us a fresh path to run.
Sadness for too long in the case you describe would indicate to me that his goals (not just the tennis goal) in life are unrealistic to some degree and need to be reviewed.

Reply to: or

Claire (alias)

In response to Linda OReilly

June 27, 2010 at 6:24 PM

6 followers

Thanks Linda, that's somehow what I hoped to hear...
Of course, the example was fictive, but the feelings were real... I often set myself goals that are very far away fom my capacities, I usually do all I can to reach them in the time I have but usually I reach only a tiny litlle part of what I hoped to reach and then I'm disappointed.
Once, I remember someone telling me that if I want to learn to climb, I should target the highest mountain, if I only climb 10% of it I will have done already a great job, if I target a little hill, I will for sure make it but nothing was learned on the way.
To come back to the topic, if you know in advance that the mountain is too high for you, why be sad in the end, one should be proud to have tried. Sometime I think, "who am I to even have thought a second that I could climb it..."
On the other hand, is it possible to find the energy to start climbing such a mountain if you never believe you can do it?
Your words "Failure is good. It tells us where we are and gives us a fresh path to run." are very good to hear from time to time to recharge batteries. thanks for this.

Claire

Reply to: or

Linda OReilly

June 27, 2010 at 7:23 PM

88 followers

Hi Claire,

I'm going to say something you'd expect to hear from an old person. Brace yourself.
(My daughter is in her 30's--I always tell her when I'm going to say something motherly and annoying.)
There are things I've done since I was in my first flush of adulthood that I never thought I'd be able to do.
And now I do them easily. And I find new things to do--and do them easily as well, (not mountain climbing or tennis)

As a young mother your attention is necessarily divided. It's supposed to be. You have other, more important concerns now
than you will have in 10-15 years. Sow the seeds of your interests and build the foundation now while you're raising children and as they grow make sure they know that expertise doesn't always come when you want it.
But you have to be ready.
So follow your interests, learn and do bit by bit and when the time comes you'll amaze yourself.

I think that we make the mistake of thinking that we are not successful by a certain age we're failures.
Not true at all. Certainly some things lend themselves to youth
but there are 70 year-olds out there playing tennis and climbing mountains.

Don't despair. Just be ready.