Since I was young, probably around middle school, I have known I was not like others. Yes, yes...no one is like everyone else. We all have our brand of uniqueness that is our own and no one else's. But even then, I still felt different. I would hang out alone, engage in intellectual conversations with adults because I could not find it in other kids my age. This happened through high school as well, where I would gain pleasure from solitude, thinking about my life or reading some fanfiction that catered to my imagination more than the conversations or games of my peers. (This is notwithstanding the fact that I was bullied and ostracized.) After four years in college, this isolation (which some would say is self-imposed) still exists.
I imagine it's a cause of many things. I feel on a different wavelength from other people in the way that I see the world, the way that I think, the way that I perceive my surroundings and the actions of others. I have nothing but questions and observations about things I see, and love deep conversations with others. I love to learn about art, music, literature and history, my favorite subjects. I see my world through rose-colored glasses. Everywhere I look I see potential poetic verses and feel through music. I'm not sure if this is what it means to be intellectual. If not, then I'll just settle for emotional basket-case.
Unfortunately, this has also come to define my relationships with other people. I can count my friends in one hand. I have my coworkers and my classmates I can speak to and hang out with during lunch after class or to study, but I wouldn't count them in my circle. One thing my friendships have in common is that it is based on our trust and the intellectual connection we have. We can talk about things that worry us or about anything that interests us that we want to share or learn. Aside from the other aspects that make our friendship work (hanging out, watching TV, eating, laughing, acting stupid together, what-have-you) the fact that we can talk about such things lets us bond and connect. This intellectual bond is what defines our friendships. As elitists as this sounds, if I cannot connect to you in that way, our friendship won't last, no matter how well we get along. (Case in point, my longest lasting friendship (nearly 10 years now) is with an online contact 30 years my senior who I have never met. We chat about our lives, classic movies and literature.) Even since I was a child in grade school, I would talk with my teachers before I talked with kids my own age.
This isolation (self-imposed or not) has also enabled to my feelings of emptiness. I am surrounded by friends, caring people and a loving boyfriend, and yet I feel so alone. When I think about it, I have always felt this way, especially since high school. I don't know to what it's due. I have thought that it's due to the fact that I haven't found my soul-mate that I want to spend the rest of my life with; or that I don't have a friend who I can engage with in discussions about classical music or other like subjects. Or maybe that no one close to me can give me an unbiased review of my poetry. I asked one of my friends if she wanted to get together and read poems for fun, and but said she no because didn't see the fun in it. Hell, maybe I am elitist.
My friendships provide comfort but they can't really fill the emptiness. Despite my love for my boyfriend, I cannot connect with him either. A scientist without an artistic bone in his body, it is difficult for me to talk to him about things that interest me, since he thinks in an entirely different manner than I do, (INTJ to my INFP, if that matters any.). I love him, but our lack of an intellectual intimacy leaves me doubting whether I truly love him, and whether I want to stay with him or not. In end, as it is with all of my relationships, it's him, not me. It's always been about me, and the realization leaves me feeling like a very selfish and egotistical individual.
I have digressed too much. I am starting to wonder if the emptiness I feel is indebted to what I can't find other people, or if it is something I have to search for within myself. I wonder if it is that I have to go out and see the world, or if I have to return to music full time. (My dream job is to play bassoon in an orchestra.) I have never truly been at peace, but if I had to pick a time when I was truly happy, it was when I graduated high school and was going to a university to study music. I got on that plane, alone, with my saxophone at my back, knowing this was what I wanted to do. But it didn't happen and I want it back. I wonder if it's what will fulfill my soul and give me peace. Or if it's something else.
This is all very confusing and I have taken too many roundabout turns, but what I wonder is, what is this peace that I search for? That we all search for? Is it something that can be found in someone else through love? Or is it something we have to search for within ourselves? Will I find it in my boyfriend or my friends? Or do I have to find it within myself? I am being unfair with them I know, but that's because I confuse the source of my happiness. Would I feel at peace with my friends and my boyfriend if I found what makes me happy on my own? Or do I have a flawed perception of love? Maybe I'm finding out what reality doesn't coincide with my illusions and it's disappointing me. I have always thought the person you found love with was going to be someone who bonded with your soul. Does no one bond with your soul? Do we have to make our own souls happy?
"as it is with all of my relationships, it's him, not me"
This is supposed to read, "it's not him, it's me."
My my, three months changes a lot. I usually never get this personal online, and upon reading this, am rather embarrassed that I revealed so much. Everything is a lot better now and circumstances bear no resemblance to what they were when I posted this. Thank you to those who responded.
