Good Morning Gentle Folk,
I would truly like to comment here respecting both your wisdom and myself. Its probably just vain of me to suppose that you had my own dim views in mind in writing, but I will answer as though you did. - No, Jackie, I am not forgetting that you started this thread. My oldest daughter is exactly your age. You have my attention.
It will be hard to integrate the several notions, fact, and stories that seem tome to be relevant, so please accept my apologies in advance to the degree I fail, confuse and annoy. First an anecdote:
It reported that Oscar Wilde, on his his death bed, looked about the room and said, "This wallpaper is atrocious. One of us will have to go."
Next, Tom Kimmel' theory of everything:
Not to be too explicit yet, it is a speculation drawn by analogy to the finding that the negative through which a holograph is projected is fundamentally unlike a regular photographic negative. No matter what part of a holographic negative is covered the whole projection remains. Some resolution is lost, yes, but there is no particular section of the negative corresponding to a discrete section of the projection. I find this wonderfully suggestive of a cosmology that I can live with. Or die with with without so very much drum and streng. More on this later.
Perhaps we might also consider that a distinction between the map and the place is rarely made and it is proverbial that men dislike asking for directions or taking them. Women are slightly better at this maybe because they have significantly larger corpus colosi. The corpus colosum is the connective tissue between the right and left brains. Also, perhaps because women moult, necessarily shed their skins of self perception in child bearing and menopause, twice more than men, they are crucially more adaptable. In any case the women in my life, like the Entwives, seem to have wandered off. More about women maybe, later.
These considerations, speculations and surmise are very much a part of my daily situation.
John says stick around, you have no idea what is around the corner or what is going to happen the next day. You may be surprised and pleased by what you find. And of course he's correct. At least about the the surprised part. Looking back, it seems that where I am is no surprise. Or shouldn't be. The world and I are arriving just where my old maps pointed. And even I am not so vain as to suppose the ills of the world are chiefly my doing. That so, I won't even say that I am getting just what I deserve. Mostly I have been as lucky as lucky as a widows son. I deny that I am feeling sorry for myself. Much of my loss was indeed self inflicted. But I do not think that is very important to me any more. It does not bother me that my part is over and that I must soon leave the stage. (Indians are off stage left, dammit! Remember the Fantastics?) The truly galling thing is that the whole show is about to close. Or seems to me about to. What a stupifying waste.
On my best days, when I am brought to tears, I know that I have loved and been loved. Most days I don't know this at all. Most days I feel more like a solitary attendant of an arctic weather station logging variations in the weather, watching the permafrost disappear. Perhaps Jackie, is not a solution at all. But more an abloution. There is nothing dispassionate about it.
Using some of the premises above, I think that my conscious, self aware, language using aspect of me is a pretty small and perhaps a trivial part of the much larger consciousness manifest in my brain. And on from there, that larger consciousness (my unconscious) is but a tiny portion of much larger awarenesses. Some even suggest that the materiel world is really a function of such awareness/consciousness and not the other way around. This to me is an intrigueing notion. It also seems to me to be implicit in some interpretations of quantum physics. In the instant of NOW, the emergent world does yield to our expectations.
OK for now? Ok, the third grader, Johnny, asked the librarian where he came from. She did her best with pictures, with circles and arrows and birds and bees until they were both exhausted and she asked 'Does that answer your question?'
He said, 'Well, the boy who sits behind me says that he is from Ohio, and I just wondered where I came from.'
So it goes. Sorry to have bent you ear so long.