Your post comes hard on the heels of a thread about Desire
In that thread Jackie makes a great point about desire being a symptom of something you're missing in your life, something that's necessary, and she says:'Our body/mind has limited means with which to communicate with us, so we
oftentimes have to interpret our subconscious via the signals it sends
us through our physical/sensual self.'
What is it that you need? A mate who is more responsive, loving, companionable? A different job. More confidence? Do you want to go back to school? Not knowing you, I can only say that you should focus and refine your unhappiness/desire into something more defined so you can take a good look at it.
My son was just talking about his relationship. When he asked his girlfriend what was wrong she said she didn't know. Is that true? Maybe she just doesn't want to see the hard fact.
And maybe that's true for you.
What is the hard fact? It might take a while to figure it out.
You say you have a belief system--do you have an approachable faith community? A best friend you can ask? A professional counselor?
You can talk it out here with us.
Anyway, go to a quiet place and ask yourself:
When I'm old what do I want to look back and see? Go deep and take time, your opportunity here is to make a change that you can look back on and be glad about.
Even if the gladness is bittersweet.
And don't run off, we want reports back.
Thank you for your reply to my post. Your reply certainly made me stop and think for a while. I think I have lost what it is I exactly 'desire' and feel this is partly due to the fact that my brain is just so overactive and I find it difficult to calm it and slow things down long enough for me to realise, 'hey what exactly do I want with my life'.
I do know that I do not want to feel this way anymore and although I can see in my mind how I want things to be between my fiance and I, I am scared that I have already gone beyond this point and that truly in my heart I have already made my decision. Then he comes home and is all apologetic and giving me cuddles (which I love) and it makes me want to stay again.
As I am typing this this evening, we have already had a huge blowout - because of the way he spoke to me and belittled me with finances and jargon. I told him I was going to leave as I had had enough and he really doesn't want me to go. He has gone out now so it all might change again later!!
Your post has made me think and I am going to make a conscious effort to find my desire and path that I want to take. I think I am going to give it one more go and give it my all - including doing some things for myself as I think putting all this energy and thoughts into whats going on in the relationship is not healthy.
Thank you again
Life and relationships are processes. You don't have to see things in zeros and ones, black and white, doors slamming shut. You have taken a good step in telling your fiance that you are not happy. If he really wants to preserve your relationship, he needs to support you in figuring out exactly why you are not feeling fulfilled and how you can get there. And he can't just do it with snuggles and apologies and promises - he has to be willing to work on his own problems, and realize that they are his problems, not yours. If a relationship is to work, both people must own their responsibility for its health and vitality. This is not a problem with you, or a problem with him - it is your problem to solve together.
That said, I still think that mindfulness and introspection are helpful tools - you need to know who you want to be in order to know what kind of relationship you want. You promised yourself that you would not "split up and have a weekend father" before you knew what it was like to be a co-parent. I would just add a little nudge for you to really look hard at that "belief system" - is it a true, soul-felt belief, or is it a set of expectations based on emotion and reaction? I am not trying to lead you to answer one way or the other. I have experienced what I thought were profound moral beliefs turning out to be a set of rules laid into my consciousness as I grew up, and when I began to test them against my reality, I discovered that they did not warrant my continued conviction. It has been extremely challenging, but I feel much more, I don't know, authentically "me" now.
Be true to yourself first of all.