THINQon : What of an apology?

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Lisa Sasha

What of an apology?

Latest Post: November 20, 2009 at 10:03 PM

0 followers

I have an ex-friend who recently tried to get in touch with me again. Our friendship ended on bad terms and I considered her my best friend but after a while she started to change and act very judgmental toward me. After a while of me letting it slide, one night she blew up again, being selfish and judgmental and stormed out of my birthday dinner. I was crushed. I didn't call her. She didn't call me. Now, 10 months later at 4 in the morning last night as I checked my inbox, I saw a message from her.

As I read it, all I kept thinking to myself was why now? Why did she choose to contact me now?
She said that maybe our friendship wasn't that strong to begin with if something like that could have ended it. I'm sorry but I disagree. Our friendship was strong, it was her that was not. For her to act so selfish and make a choice not to call me back was despicable. I can't get over it. I can't forgive her. I know that she reached out to me but I feel it's not enough. There is so much more to the story but I will keep it short.

She did not apologize. She apologized for "the way our friendship had to end", not for the way she acted or what she said. She apologized for the consequence. I could also apologize for the consequence but it is her who needs to apologize for the action.
Am I being too harsh? I know her message was sent with good intent but honestly, I don't feel she has changed if she isn't willing to take responsibility for her actions. Why is it so hard to say a simple apology for what she did/said? Isn't our friendship worth it?

I figure she must really believe our friendship wasn't that strong to begin with since she is so unwilling to apologize. If she is scared that I will never want to talk to her again, she is wrong. I miss her but honestly I will not compromise myself for her. I did it before and I will not do it again.

So, what of an apology? Is it too much to ask? Is it too much to ask for someone to man up or should I let bygones be bygones?

Reply to:

Amber Collins

November 20, 2009 at 10:03 PM

2 followers

Thanks for sharing Lisa.
Relationships are hard. I have yet to encounter one, friendship or otherwise, that hasn't had it's struggles. I think communicating is the easiest way to save a relationship, and I think this friendship of yours probably imploded as it did because you were unable to communicate your feelings properly from the start. That said, you don't have to take responsibility for her behaviors - just your inability to tell her they hurt you. If you can take responsibility for not telling her how you felt from the beginning, maybe she can take responsibility for behaving inappropriately.

I think for your sanity and well-being, it might be worth the time to tell her that the reason you feel your relationship ended the way it did was not because of one isolated incident - it was numerous incidents that eroded away that strong foundation. No matter what, it's important to try as best you can to go forward without expectation of her response. Expect that you can say what you feel and can't control the outcome, and whatever happens is just... as it is. I hate to get all therapeutic on you, but I find that "I" statements are usually the best way to go in these situations ("I felt x when you said y because z"). You can be the adult by working to keep the focus on you and in turn prevent her from going on the defense, which ultimately can set a tone for healing as opposed to resurfaced rage.

One last thing - forgiving her is not necessarily letting her back into your life. It's certainly not allowing more unacceptable behavior. Forgiving her is for YOU, even if it's just in your own heart and mind, even if it's just allowing her to be selfish and judgmental and accepting that you've done what you can and gone your separate ways.