Dear Deborah,
You raise an interesting question. At the risk of being a stick in the mud, and as the "offspring" of an "amicably" divorced couple, let me tell you that the children will be hurt. Period. Judith Wallerstein wrote a bit on this topic, and more recent research confirms that unless the marriage is highly conflictual or abusive, children will be hurt. First, there's the loss of the family unit they grew up in. Then, there's the very real possibility of step parents - even step siblings. For over 30 years I have had a wonderful step mother, but she is nowhere near as interested in me or my children as my mother was. The net result is that we see my father less often. He didn't attend my graduation and was only grudgingly part of my wedding. We are less involved in his care now that he has Alzheimer's than we would have been. Throughout their lives, my children have been tolerated, but not welcome, in their grandfather's home. My step mother doesn't pass down momentoes. Consequently family papers, photos and treasures have been discarded. I think my father is better off than he would have been with my mother - but there's no question that his children and grandchildren were diminished by the divorce.
I would never support a guilt trip for any reason. And certainly single parents can and do live happily and raise healthy children. But let's not pretend that children are not hurt by divorce. I think people who want to have 2,3, or 4 lovers during their lifetimes should have affairs. Well-managed, they're much less disruptive.
I hope you'll forgive my argumentative tone. Your note struck a nerve!
Amanda,
I understand what you are saying about your Father and that his children feel diminished by the divorce. My Father stayed with my mother and was equally as uninterested in us as yours sounds. On the other hand, I have also seen very loving fathers, whether they are divorced or not, taking an active interest in their children's lives. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that when someone, a Father, is uninterested in his children (or wife) staying in the marriage is not going to increase his interest. He just didn't care enough about the children to begin with. The divorce then, is a consequence of his not-caring, not its cause.
